Stage 9 – Acceptance
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 5 | Stage 6 | Stage 7 | Stage 8 | Stage 10 |
Stage 9 - Acceptance
Acceptance, in actuality, is a pretty amazing guy. He's patient. He's kind. He never really says anything ugly or contrary to me. He lets everybody else take their shots, and then he comes in and keeps me grounded.
He follows Reality for a reason, as they are intertwined in each other. Neither will ever admit this, because they are fiercely independent of each other but, without one, there can never be the other.
Acceptance is one of my best friends, even though there are times that I hate him like I hate Reality.
. . .
This too, shall pass.
\"Yeah, I know that shit. Hell, I say that shit all the fucking time, to anyone that's having a hard time.\"
Doesn't make it any less true.
\"I'M having a hard time. Right fucking now. Why can't I say that shit to myself and believe it?\"
That's what I'm here for. I'm here to tell you what you what needs to be said.
\"What. The. Fuck. Why is all this shit happening? Why did I fall in love with Married Girl? Why was I ever in love with the Girl? Why did Asshead bite the fuck out of Dingbat? Why do I have to give Dingbat to the Girl? Why is the sky blue? Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy??????\"
Can't tell you, dude. Sorry.
\"Fuck that, and fuck you.\"
Heh, sounds like something Anger would say right before throwing a bottle at your head. I'm still here. Ain't going anywhere. Talk to all of the others all you want. I'm the one that stays.
\"Fuck this. This doesn't feel cool at all. This. Fucking. Sucks.\"
Oh yeah, I know. I feel ya dawg, but... I'm still here.
\"What am I supposed to learn from all of this shit? How am I supposed to grow as a person from all of this?!? And don't fucking tell me that I'm 'building character' because I've got fucking character seeping from my goddam EARS.\"
Still here.
\"I'm a good fucking guy, I try to do right by everyone and everything around me! What did I fucking do to deserve this shit?!? HUH?!?\"
I'm gonna grab a beer. I'll be on the couch when you're done.
\"I'm doing all that I know how to do, just to be a good person! Just to be all that I can to those that choose to love me! Why can't I get some fucking reward for all of this?!? Am I going to die alone, only to be rewarded by All@h with 27 Virgins, like those Suicide-Bombing Fucks in the Middle East?!? What the FUCK is going on!?!\"
You're down to 4 Avalanche in the fridge. Since I'm going to be here all night, you might want to go get more beer.
\"FUCK.\"
Hey, not a big deal, I'll switch to wine. You've still got that jumbo liter of Chateau Screwtop in there, dontcha?
\"FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!\"
You know, I can see that you're not quite ready to hear what I have to say. I'll be sleeping in the Guest Bedroom and waking you periodically through the night.
\"You can't do that shit! Just leave me and Depression and DrinkEveryDropOfAlcohol, NeverEatAnything and DontSleepBecauseYouMayDream alone, because we're quite content with each other right now.\"
Oh, I will. For now. But, like your gotarded dogs when you run into W@lMart, I'll be waiting for you.
\"I can't deal with this right now! You know this shit.\"
You will though. You know this and I know this. In fact, there's very little that I can say to you that you don't already know.
\"Eat shit. If you're going to be spouting things that you know and I don't, at least throw some fucking winning Powerb@ll numbers at me or something.\"
Awwww. Who needs a hug?
\"Don't touch me.\"
Fine. Say whatever you want. You're words and petty justifications will never get rid of me. I'll always be here. I'll always be ready when you need me.
(wiping away tear) \"Why? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone.\"
Not in your best interests, cowboy. I'm here for you're sake and any possible idea of happiness for you that's bound to come.
\"Did you just call me 'cowboy'? That's really gay.\"
Sorry, that was kind of gay. I'm just trying to comfort you. This isn't going to be easy on anyone involved.
\"Shit. So, when does Comfort come a-calling?\"
Oh, pretty much right before Contentment and, eventually, Happiness. You'll see them coming though. They probably won't surprise you anymore.
\"Hmpf. Great. So, I'm fucked 'til then, eh?\"
Nope, you'll always have me.
\"No offense, but that doesn't do a whole lot for me right now, you fuckhead.\"
Heh, not my job. I can only be Acceptance, and I'm not always fun, especially when you run out of booze. But, I'm here, and I'm not going away.
Acceptance is right, of course, but it doesn't make me resent him any less. The problem is, he's bigger and tougher than Selfishness and Selfpity and, when they show up ready to party down, he usually kicks their asses all over the place, before booting them out the fucking door.
It may suck but, nobody ever fucks with Acceptance.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 8 – Reality
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 5 | Stage 6 | Stage 7 | Stage 9 |
Stage 8 - Reality
I'll admit that I wasn't quite on-board with Chastity. As much as I was able to move on with some semblance of my life, despite the overstayed welcomes of DrinkEveryDropOfAlcohol and NeverEatNeverLoveAgain, I was still clinging to whatever Elation had left behind, and had little intention of buying into something so completely as to what Chastity had to offer.
Denial was too much of a ridiculous jackass to really ever take seriously, but that didn't stop Reality from making his memorable visit. I fully admit, I had no intention of ever ignoring him, should he decide to stop by, but I most certainly didn't expect him to act the way he did.
Reality is a cold, hard, brutally-efficient guy, and his visit was the best, and the worst, of any I'd had.
. . .
(watching him walk in) \"Oh, hey. I was wondering when you were going t...\"
*smack*
\"OW! What was that for?!?\"
You need to know that I am here now.
\"What are you, the fucking Terminator? Who are you to go around doing that shit? I saw you come in, motherfucker, no need to be smackin' a bruthah.\"
*smack* *smack*
THAT one was because you obviously didn't feel the very first one. The second one was because you called yourself a 'bruthah' you white piece of shit.
(rubbing cheek) \"Fine. I'm cool. No need for any of that, okay?\"
ARE you cool? Are you 'fine'? Where are you at, anyway?
\"I'm fine, seriously. The Girl is going to be fine, she's strong, she's independent, she's good at taking care of herse...\"
*smack*
Would YOU be fine, motherfucker? Would you be 'fine' if she told you that you guys weren't working out and, oh-by-the-way, she was in love with a married man because of some crazy-fucked-up moment they shared?
\"I don't... I'm not...\"
Have you thought about what she's going through, you assmonkey?!?
\"She... She says she'll be fine, and I... Don't hit me again... but... I believe her.\"
Don't lose sight of her, you selfish shitbag. Don't lose sight of the fact that you've been something good in her life for a majority of your adulthood. You forget that, and I'm going to come back with my bat. Believe it, fucker.
\"Damn, dude. You're harsh. I've been good to the Girl, at least I've tried to be, don't go treatin' me like I'm forgettin' her n' shit.\"
(winds up, hesitates, puts hand down) Dude, you SO deserved another one for keeping up with that 'ghetto' shit. You're white, deal with it.
\"Yeah? I'm drunk too, and 'ghet-toe' is funny.\"
You don't need funny right now.
\"How the fuck do you know? I'm funny. I'm going to be fine. I've got some shit straight, and I'll get better at what I don't.\"
Hmm. Well said, dipshit. By 'shit straight' do you mean your feelings for MarriedGirl maybe? Where are you at with all that?
\"Interesting you should ask, because I'm cool... uh... seriously... I'm... Oh, FUCK, I think I'm still in love wi...\"
*Smack*
(rubbing jaw) \"I REALLY wish you would stop doing that!\"
(shrugs) I'll stop doing it when you start accepting that I'm here.
\"I accept, I accept.\" (works jaw back and forth) \"You've more than made your point.\"
Have I? You just admitted that you are still in love with a woman who is happily married. Someone who is with the person that they are meant to be with. Someone that's made it clear that they are with who they are meant to be with. Are you feeling this way because you feel it is YOU who are not with the person you are meant to be with?
\"Well... shit. Maybe. Shit man, I don't know WHO I'm supposed to be with! If I was supposed to be with MarriedGirl, she wouldn't be 'MarriedGirl' would she?\"
(pause) Stop flinching. To be honest, that one was pretty damn accurate. Idiot.
\"Really? Cool. No more hitting okay?\"
I'm not here just to smack you around, I hope you believe that.
\"Yeah? Tell that to my jaw, that fucker hurts.\"
Hey man, all I'm really asking is that you lay off the whole 'we belong together' bit. Get a hold of that one, good and firm, and I'll leave you alone.
\"Hey, who's to say that we don't belong togeth...\"
*SMACK*
\"Owwww! I was just going to SAY, that who's to say that we don't belong together? Maybe things are just off-kilter in the Univer...\"
*SMACK-O*
(picking myself up from behind the couch) \"Dude, you really got me with that last one. I think I may have a good idea of what you're talking about now, despite how my face feels. If we BELONGED together, we'd BE together, right? Right.\"
(hand raised) You're... not just saying that to get me to stop smacking you are you? Because I know when you need a good whack, and I'm always going to be there to do it.
(wiping away tear AGAIN) \"No... No, I think I'm getting it. It's just... when it's something that both parties involved want so badly, why can't it happen?\"
Want? HA! Want isn't any of my business. Want is something that you have to deal with on your own. I'm just here to keep you from getting too far ahead of yourself.
\"Man. That really sucks.\"
Not my call. I reiterate: I am just here to keep you from going off the deep-end. Acceptance is coming soon, and he'll help you out from there.
\"Shit, dude, you're a cold fucker.\"
I am what I am. It's up to you to deal with it.
Reality's right, of course. It's up to me to recognize it and deal with it because, regardless of what I have at my disposal to deal with it, I have to find a way to do exactly that.
He's by no means warm and fuzzy, and that's something that I'm learning very painfully, but this is something that I'm sure I'll retain through all of this.
Reality is cold and hard, sometimes painfully cruel, but is always, always there, and he will not be ignored, no matter how hard I try.
He's a real fucker, Reality, and there are times that I hate him more than all the others combined.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 7 – Chastity
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 5 | Stage 6 | Stage 8 |
Stage 7 - Chastity
Chastity probably wouldn't have bopped in had Longing not been so goddam loud while he was here and, like a lot of my visitors, I didn't expect it.
I had just got done helping the Girl move into her new apartment. She's got a nice place, and I'm happy for her. I helped her put together her bed, and then lay on it while she unpacked a bunch of her stuff, with Longing apparently directing my eyes every time she bent over. She playfully busted me numerous times, and I think that may have either driven Longing away, or brought Chastity out, I'm not sure.
We were driven to a SuperStore so that she could pick up some stuff she needed for the apartment and she informed me that she had a date the following night.
Strangely, this news didn't bother me like I may have predicted it would, and I told her, as sincerely as I am capable of, that I wish nothing but the best for her and, if I couldn't be the man to bring her happiness, I sincerely hope that she finds the one who can. She went a little quiet, and that's when Chastity piped in, and reflected some of his words into my speech.
. . .
Man, you're done dating. You can never do that kind of shit again.
\"We were talking about HER dating, not me.\"
Yeah, but you know it'll never happen again. You've been through that wringer.
\"Yeah, I guess it wasn't really any fun, was it?\"
FUN?!? Ha! Even when it wasn't a total disaster, it ended up being a total disaster because nothing ever came of it. Dating is a waste of time, man.
\"Yeah. I guess, every time I've ever been in love hasn't been with someone I've ever dated, in the traditional sense of the word.\"
Well, two of those times were the Girl, so that doesn't quite count does it? Why would you even try again?
\"I know. Shit, I would never even consider investing myself emotionally in something that I didn't think could be a step better than what I had with the Girl.\"
See, that's why it's fruitless, dude. What you had with the Girl was about the best you're probably ever gonna get, and you ain't gonna come even close by simply 'dating.'
\"You're probably right, but that doesn't mean I'll never meet somebody, outside of the dating realm. Lightning may strike at the SuperMarket, for chrissakes, you never know.\"
HA! Your last lightning strike landed you in love with MarriedGirl! How's that one feel now? Ho. Lightning... you're fuckin' killin' me.
\"Maybe something else'll happen along. Maybe Fate has something else in store for me.\"
Not happenin' chief, and I'll tell you why. You're damaged goods, buddy. You. Are. Un. Lovable.
\"No I'm not. I've got a lot going for me, I cook, I can sew, I look good in a kilt, I'm not unlovable!\"
Heh. You think anybody's gonna stick around when they realize that you can't give our buddy, Heart, away anymore? You think any chick that's worth the time is gonna put up with that?
\"Heh. I've got a big cock, that should keep 'em around for awhile at least.\"
Please. Try to contain yourself, you nimrod. Do you really see yourself naked with anyone you aren't in love with? Ever again? Huh?
\"Um... Do all the guys on the hockey team count? We do shower together every week.\"
HAHA, hahahahahaaaaa... Ho! They may as well count, slugger, because that's about as close as you're going to get to nudity and a good time.
\"So... what? I should just shave my head and start chanting 5 times a day? Gimme a fuckin' break.\"
Shit man, you may as well, because it ain't happenin' either way.
\"Jesus, you're right. I guess I'll spend the coming years working on my art and my writing, and I'll unwind by fly-fishing as much as I can.\"
Yeah, right. Oh, and when Longing and/or Horny comes by when you're 'fly-fishing' make sure that you've got plenty of lotion on hand. And a Playboy.
As much as my other visitors may be relatively unyielding, Chastity is really the only one that tells me that a certain part of my life is now cut off forever. He seems to know so many things with such certainty, it's hard as hell to agrue with him. Oh, I know 'forever' is a long word, but Chastity doesn't, and that knowledge doesn't make him any easier to deal with. Especially when he uses terms like, \"internet p0rn\" and... well... \"internet p0rn.\"
The times to come, with Chastity around, aren't going to be fun, but at least I'll have... well... you know.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 6 – Longing
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 5 | Stage 7 |
Stage 6 - Longing
Longing was one that I probably should have seen coming but I didn't, and he completely blind-sided me. I guess I figured Longing my show up a while later, but he walked in and caught me vulnerably, in the shower.
I was laying in bed, hitting my snooze repeatedly while congratulating myself on playing like a fucking RockStar in my hockey game the night before. I was marveling at the fact that with the huge loss of most of my sensations recently, I was no longer getting hangovers despite how much I drank the night before. Bonus.
I didn't realize how tired I was, though I'd been up since 4, and had hit my snooze somewhere around 17 times when I finally popped up and prepared myself for the idea that I still had a life with responsibilities in it that did not include drinking an entire liter bottle of Merlot.
I said a quiet, \"fuck,\" when I heard the shower already running. The Girl has class this morning, and I'll have to wait, becoming later by the minute. My own damn fault, I didn't worry about it, but I felt the Potential Awkwardness Level bump up from Yellow to Orange at the prospect that I can no longer just jump in there with her under the guise of \"saving water honey.\"
The water shut off and I gave the door a quiet knock, asking if I could jump in there after her. She gave a not-awkward-at-all, \"Sure,\" and I went in. The Potential Awkwardness Level jumped from Orange to Red when I realized that I was already naked, but quickly cooled back to Orange when I saw her stepping out of the tub fully wrapped in her towel.
I babbled something retarded about my game the night before, making brutally obvious attempts at small-talk while I fought those blasted shower curtain hooks (not her fault, they just piss me off). I was somehow deluding myself into believing that the Potential Awkwardness Level wasn't an issue until I watched as she removed her towel and wrapped it around her head.
I'd seen her morning ritual countless times, and her naked body has never failed to make me lose my powers of speech, this time was no exception.
Longing walked into the steamy bathroom, leered at her nude body, and started in.
. . .
Dude, check her out. MAN, you were so busy with your own eating problems you haven't even noticed the significant poundage she's dropped.
\"I noticed, just... please shut up. Don't make this any harder for me than it has to be.\"
HA! Harder? Dude, you haven't had to worry about anything being 'hard' for a while now. You want 'hard' you should have a good look at what's going on over here!
\"She is looking really good. I thought her pants looked looser.\"
Yeah, you should say something. She's checkin' you out too, dude, I'm sure of it!
\"Um, no, she isn't. Nice try, but her eyes haven't wandered within 4 feet of me in weeks. Seriously, I just want to shower, and not make this any weirder than it has to be.\"
It's too late to drag her in here, you should make like your going for your shaving mirror and brush up against her.
\"Augh. I know. I can't. I want to. I can't.\"
What's stopping you? You've done it plenty of times before, even if the spontaneity of it left back in August or so.
\"I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable living here than it has to be. I don't want her thinking that I'm not going to miss her other than for the sex.\"
You ARE going to miss her though. Now, just show her that with the sex. Look at her. Go to her. Put your mouth on her naked body just like you used to. You used to be able to push her buttons, do it again, just for old times sake.
\"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!\"
\"Judd? You alright in there?\" she asks, concerned for my sanity.
\"Yeah, yeah, just forgot to turn on the Hot water...\"
\"Good job.\"
She dresses and leaves, while I gently bounce my forehead off the tile walls of the shower.
Longing is not even in the same league with Horny either, because Horny is always looking for just the end result while Longing just wanted a taste, a reminder, a reaffirmation of what he thought used to be. Longing just wanted to feel something like that again, before it's gone forever.
I can't blame him, I guess. It's only natural. I just wish he wouldn't wait until I'm stepping into the shower every morning to remind me that sex with someone I truly care about is probably many months, if not years, away and I better try and 'get it' while I can.
Longing doesn't know this, but it's not working. All it did was leave room for someone else to bop in, again when I least expected it.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 5 – Anger
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 4 | Stage 6 |
Stage 5 - Anger
For all the shit that they brought with them and threw in my face, the visitors that I'd received so far were fucking @lterboys compared to Anger.
This guy stormed up the front step, banged in through the front door, put his cigarette out on the arm of my couch, glared at me as he lit another, and demanded a beer.
Though my other visitors weren't exactly my friends, I still turned to look for some support. Gone. They had disappeared like a cop had just shown up at their High School Kegger. I was left alone with Anger.
. . .
Dude, you didn't want that bitch around anymore anyway.
\"Look, I know why you're here, and it's natural. Let's try and get through this without bashing anybody, okay?\"
Shut the fuck up, you fuckin' pussy! She's a piece of shit, and you need to hear this.
\"You're talking about the woman that I was going to marry.\"
(parroting me) 'You're talkin' about the woman...' Wake the fuck up. I'm talkin' about the woman that couldn't ever do anything that you asked of her. You dodged a fuckin' bullet, pal.
\"What could she not do that was so important?\"
How 'bout help around the house, howsabout fill the dog's water once in awhile, howsabout pickin' up her shit, howsabout turning off the damn bathroom light at 3 in the morning when she knows it wakes you up, howsabo...
\"Dude! She DOES do all that shit like I asked, you're just...\"
HOWSabout closing the fucking shower curtain after she gets out so that it doesn't get all stiff and crimped in the corner and come all off the fucking rod when you try to close it in the morning! How many fucking times have you asked her to do that shit and you still fight with those fucking shower curtain hooks every fucking morning!!
\"Hmm. Yeah, that did kind of piss me off.\"
(pant pant) It DID piss you off, face it!
\"Yeah, but still, that's some pretty minor shit. I mean, seriously, how petty are you going to be?\"
All that shit stacks up, you nimrod! It's all one big fucking metaphor for your whole relationship! I've barely scratched the surface! You want I should start in on the drugs, or the...
\"HOLD IT. Hold it right there. I'm over that shit, and you can't bring it back.\"
HA! Over? Did you say over? Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!?
\"You're not funny. I'm serious. I told her I forgive her and I do... Whoa!\" (dodges beer bottle thrown at head)
You Fuckin' Pussy!
\"Dude, you came, you had your say, now get the fuck out.\"
What about MarriedGirl? What you got to say about that, sissybitch?
\"You can't even go there and you know it. She did nothing wrong.\"
What's the big fucking idea being Married already, huh? Where's she get off leaving you hanging and staying with her husband, HUH?!?
\"You're just being a complete jerkoff now, and I think it's time that you leave.\"
FUCK YOU.
(dodge punch aimed at head) \"Good comeback, genius, now get out.\"
Fuck that, and fuck you too. You're gonna get hosed in this breakup if you don't start listening to me, and get what's coming to you.
\"You're drunk.\"
Anger is a real fuckhead, and the others do whatever they can to avoid him. Elation runs like a frightened rabbit with the rest of them, and only Guilt really makes an attempt at sticking around. But, after Anger starts throwing things, and pissing in the flowerpots, Guilt bolts too.
Anger stuck around longer than I wanted. It wasn't so bad after a while, because I learned to ignore him and his petty shit. It's just the cleanup that's killing me. I keep finding his cigarette butts in the lights of the fishtank, his beer bottles in my laundry hamper, and I haven't checked for sure, but I think he might've given me an Upper Decker too.
Anger eventually left, but he invited some of his miscreant buddies over, and they stayed for a couple weeks and longer. Depression is coming and going right now, but Anger brought his friends DrinkEveryDropOfAlcohol and NeverEatOrLoveAgain. Those assholes made it a rough week. Even if they don't say much, just having them around really sucks the life out of you.