Stage 4 – Guilt
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 3 | Stage 5 |
Stage 4 - Guilt
I was so happy to have Denial gone that I barely noticed I left the back door wide fucking open, for Guilt to come walking in.
Much in the same way Elation knew right who to talk to, Guilt didn't fuck around with talking to the Heart or the Gut, he went straight to the Head. Before long, his constant hissing in my ear was all I could hear, and it drove me to the point of distraction.
. . .
Wow, you sure made a mess of things, didn'cha?
\"Mess of what? Things were already messy, I didn't hurt anything.\"
Heh. Denial must've just left here... Yeah, everybody's fuckin' peachy. You ever stop and think about shit before you do it, dickwad?
\"I... I try, why, what the hell are you talking about?\"
You can babble all you want to Heart about 'soulmates' and 'true love' and all that shit, he's a moron and he'll always listen, but you really need to run that shit by Head, and even Gut, because you fucked up.
\"What? What did I do that was so terrible?\"
You went and posted that shit on Diaryland, dumbass. Did you ever think of how that would affect the Girl, or even MarriedGirl, you prick?
\"Well... no, I... I guess I just wrote what I was feeling...\"
FEELING? That's the problem with Feeling, schmuck, it's not THINKING. If they were the same fuckin' thing, they wouldn't be two different words, assjob.
\"I just figured that the Girl wouldn't read it, since I asked her not to, and I kind of figured that MarriedGirl wouldn't even know it was her.\"
Figured? Yeah, you figured. You and Heart deserve each other. You are both complete fuckjobs.
\"Damn, I did fuck up. So, what should I do?\"
Go Delete It, Asshole.
\"Now? Just, delete it? People are already reading it!\"
Doesn't matter, Go! GO!
\"But, wait. What if it's too late? What if both of them have already read it?\"
Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about that. I'm shinin' up my Steel-Toed Boots, just for you, bitch.
\"Fuck.\"
Turns out, I was too late. They'd both read it and it understandably made things worse. Guilt was indeed waiting determinedly for me and, when he got the chance, reared back clear to Colorado Fucking Springs, and planted his size 11 SteelToe right between my legs.
I'm still limping a little from that one.
He's still here too. He doesn't hang around a bunch, but will occasionally come in from the side, and pinch the fuck out of the back of my arm. You know that spot where it hurts to be pinched like no other? Yeah, Guilt's got that spot zeroed in. He's a mean-spirited fuck, and I'll be happy to be rid of him, whenever that is.
Guilt couldn't have prepared me for what was next though. This guy was a fuckin' nightmare.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 3 – Denial
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 2 | Stage 4 |
Stage 3 - Denial
I was just starting to think about sitting down and getting my shit together, possibly even asking Elation to get the fuck out and let me think for a bit, when Denial came in. This cocky fucker waltzed in the door grinning, high-fived Elation, and immediately started moving shit around.
It's not that Denial doesn't listen, he's just very persuasive with his booming GameShow Host voice.
. . .
Things are cool here, dude. You are rockin'.
\"I'm a fucking mess, and I should be.\"
Naw meng, you're doin' fine. You're getting rid of the dead weight in your life, and you're in love, everything's cool.
\"Everything is SO not cool. I can't sleep unless I literally lose consciousness wherever I'm at because I'm so fucking drunk, and I happily pass out knowing that I won't have to dream that way. This happens every fucking night.\"
Alcohol has Medicinal purposes! Dreaming only gets you into trouble, trust me. Who needs dreams?
\"I'm never hungry and I never eat. The last solid food I ate was a single Hot Pocket, 2 days ago.\"
A New Diet! You're a Genius!
\"I'm down 17 pounds and I'm on the fifth fucking notch in my belt.\"
AWESOME! Now you don't have to use the FatKid Chute when you go SkyDiving! You're already at the weight limit! And the belt? You're at the height of fashion! Belts are in, man, IN!
\"I can't stop thinking about MarriedGirl and how much I want her, the Girl can see it, and I know it's hurting her.\"
You're in love, dude, roll with it. She'll leave her husband and you two will make beautiful babies together! The Girl wouldn't stand in the way of your ultimate happiness, would she? Hell No! She would want you to be happy!
\"I'm not going to run over her like that. MarriedGirl and I can't happen. We both know this.\"
Pshaw! It could happen! It can happen! It WILL happen!
\"Okay, now you're freakin' me out a little bit. Talkin' like that, even believing some of it, if I didn't know better, I'd say I'm in total...\"
DENIAL? Nonsense, my fine feathered friend, Denial may be my name, but it really IS just a river in Egypt. Trust me, I've BEEN there!
\"I dunno...\"
You're fine! Women want you and Men want to BE you, run with it!
\"Hey, you're right. Waaaaaiiiiiitt a minute. You don't have anything to do with that idiot, Fantasy, do you?\"
Ahem. He's my second cousin on my mother's side.
\"Yeah, I thought so. Later, sucker.\"
Wait!
Denial got his ass kicked to the street, but it didn't stop him from coming back around and knocking on the windows. I couldn't always hear what he was saying through the glass, but his voice carries and I heard more of his shit through the weeks than I wanted to.
There was only one guy that could show up and get rid of him permanently, but he wasn't due for a bit.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 2 – Elation
Just in case you missed any. I know I added a bunch at once. There's an order, hopefully you'll figure it out. Hint: 1, then 2, then 3, and so on...
| Stage 1 | Stage 3 |
Stage 2 - Elation
I was still in a pretty good mood, thinking that this breakup just might not be so bad. Things seemed fine, they weren't great, but that's to be expected, right?
I was also in a good mood about a moment I shared with someone. A very cool, very wonderful moment. With a married woman. Nothing illicit happened, trust me, but I was still thrown for quite a loop.
Elation knew this, of course, and tippy-toed into the house, kissed me gently on the cheek, and began his subversive acts. He went straight to the Heart, without checking with the Head or the Gut. Elation is smart, and knows that he can't really mess with those other guys, but he knows he can play the Heart like a fiddle.
. . .
How's it goin'?
\"Not bad, not bad. Much better than I expected, given this whole breaking up thing.\"
Yeah, you're actually doing really well. Awesome even.
\"Awesome? What the hell are you talking about? I feel like ass.\"
You're doing awesome because you're in love.
\"I am? Seriously? You fuckin' with me?\"
Seriously, not fuckin' with you. I talked to Heart, and he agrees.
\"Well, if I'm so awesome, if I'm so in love, why the hell did we just break up?\"
Oh, you're not in love with her. You're in love with someone else.
\"Wha... Who? WHO?\"
Oh, I think you know...
\"I... Nah... No. NO.\"
Oh, yes.
\"MarriedGirl.\"
Yep.
\"See, the thing is, I call her 'MarriedGirl' because SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED.\"
Yeah, we know all of this, but Heart told me that you love her and he wants you to give him to her.
\"She's happily married, this isn't going to happen. You fucking morons can't just go traipsing around falling me in love. It's ridiculous.\"
What's so ridiculous? Love happens every day. Even to people already married.
\"Are you just flailing because life is fucked up right now? Or did you give any of this any serious thought?\"
You mean like, you throw yourselves into each other's arms (cue the string music) and fall as one to the sandy bea...
\"NO, asswad, I mean I throw my heart at her and at best, fuck her life up for a short time and mine for who knows how long, and at worst, she leaves him for me and becomes a ruined woman who was torn from her soulmate, I become a guilt-ridden home-wrecking bum, and her husband is destroyed emotionally, and hunts me down to cut off the protruding parts of my body. Super.\"
Fine, obviously you and Cynicism have a long-standing relationship.
\"Yeah, what can I say, he got to me early.\"
Well, it doesn't make you any less in love though, does it?
\"Shut up.\"
It could still work oooo-uuuuu-tttt
\"I'll humour you, moron. How?\"
Maybe she leaves him because she realizes that you're the man that she's meant to be with and he's not.
\"And what's going to make her realize this? She already married the guy, she must be pretty damn sure about something. You're talking out your ass, admit it.\"
Maybe she... maybe...
\"Waiting.\"
Maybe she finds out that he secretly molests Pit Bulls, and has been doing it for years. She'd leave him for you then, and Yay, we'd all be happy!
\"Pit Bul... Are you listening to the shit spewing forth from your mouth?\"
Whatever, you can't deny that you're feeling Love, and it makes you feel good.
\"I can't deny that you're an imbecile.\"
Love.
\"Moron.\"
Love.
\"Idiot.\"
Luuuuhhhhh-hhuuuuuvvvv
\"SHUTTHEFUCKUP.\"
(long pause) love.
Elation was cool, for a while, and got me over some rough spots, I guess, but I think the whole situation could've been a whole lot better served had I not had him bouncing around the joint, tugging at Heart and fucking with everything.
It's one thing for the birds to be singing and the flowers blooming all the fucking time, but I would end up paying for this, I just didn't know it yet.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.Stage 1 – Relief
Things really suck right now, so I thought I'd write about what I'm going through in the form of the Stages of this Breakup, which will mainly cover the visits I received from particular entities, similar to A Christmas Carol.
A bit contrived, yes, but if you don't like it, you can suck my Dickens.
Just in case you missed any.
| Stage 2 |
Stage 1 - Relief
At almost the exact instant the Girl and I simultaneously had decided that we weren't going to be a couple anymore, Relief showed up. He kind of sashayed through the door, laid a gentle hand on my head, and began rubbing the Girl's shoulders quite skillfully. At least I thought it was quite skillful, as she seemed to sink into her chair about 2 feet. I thought she was actually deflating, like an old Tractor-tire innertube but, as it turns out, she was simply feeling the full effects of Relief.
Relief didn't stay long, because he's not that long-term kind of guy, but he threw out what he could, made me feel better, and took off.
. . .
Hey man, think of it, your worries are over.
\"They are? Bullshit. There's still so much about this that's gonna suck.\"
Yeah, yeah, just think though... All the regular shit that you stress about, all the shit that's been bothering you for so long, it all goes away with this.
\"Stress? Goes away? I don't think so pal.\"
Oh, Come On! It's time to relax! No more worrying about her, no more worrying about the relationship, no more fears of drunken tears, no more screaming breakdowns in the kitchen, you're free! That ridiculous amount of energy you used to spend on the damn relationship can now go to something FUN, like your Antique Train Set!
\"Wha? Antique... I don't have an Antique Trai...\"
SO GET ONE! That's the beauty of this! You can relax and do whatever you want! Go nuts!
\"Yeah, I can sit in the living room, eating ice cream naked, and play with my Antique Train Set. Toot toot!\"
The World is your oyster! Suck that bitch down!
\"Yay! No more stress. Whew! What a Relief!\"
You said it, buddy.
Relief left me feeling good for somewhere between 17 minutes and 8 hours. The feeling was sure to pass, but he refused to let on what was coming next. This was probably because I never would have believed him, or kicked him in the balls.
Posted by JuddHole
This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.The Gas Chamber.
I had an impending meeting this morning with by far the most annoying woman in the company. It's not that she's a bitch, or smells funny, or talks loud or anything. She's just so fucking stupid.
I don't mean the worst kind of stupid either. You know, the kind where she thinks she's smart but is really stupid. No, she is the second-worst kind of stupid. The kind that is actually smart, and can figure shit out, but has such incredibly low self-confidence, that they figure if there's any shadow of a doubt about anything, then they must be wrong, and therefore must not know anything at all. She MAKES herself stupid.
\"It's one thing if you have a question about a page on the web site. I am a web monkey, I built that page, and therefore I understand that you are deferring to me because I am eminently qualified to answer your question. This means I probably don't need a half-hour dissertation on how you barely know how to turn your fucking computer on.
I understand that your boss is kind of a demanding bitch but, I'll be honest, I like her a lot more than you, and if she's got something that requires a little more than normal from you, I'm not going to tell her that it's unreasonable. I say this knowing full well that I will most likely be in your cube in a half hour, answering your stupid fucking questions that you could have figured out in a millisecond if you had one goddam ounce of wherewithal, and watching you tear up, sniffle, and dab at your eyes. No, I'm not going to give your shoulder a reassuring squeeze, nor offer comforting words. I'm not a heartless bastard, I DO want to comfort you, but let's not forget that the last time I attempted to do that, I was being crushed by your Amazonian body in less than 3 seconds. I'm all about a good hug, but you gotta find love somewhere other than the 15-years-your-junior-JuddHole and Suck it Up when your boss is a bitch. Plus, you fucking linebacker, I'm pretty sure you cracked a couple of my ribs.\"
I was fully prepared for a \"meeting\" in my cube to turn into either A) a bitchfest about her boss and a pleading look for a hug, or 2) a \"project\" that literally involves 8 minutes of my time, yet all of whose details will be gone over for a couple hours.
Since I was feeling rather gassy this morning, I decided to use that to my advantage, and try my best to make her time spent in my cube as short as possible. I pretty much started about 5 minutes before she got here, and continued all through the duration of her visit.
Her extremely brief visit.
When one of my emissions was louder than intended and I completely ignored her mildly horrified look, I realize what an asshole I've been the past week or so. I understand that I'm not quite myself lately, and that I've been a depressed and somber poop, but here is this poor woman that obviously nobody loves, that probably nobody has ever loved, who stands as tall and stout as me but walks stooped over with her eyes averted like a frightened marmoset, who's just looking for a friend in me.
And I gassed her.
BOY, did I gas her.
Good Lord, if she'd stayed another 5 minutes, I might've killed her.
.
.
.
\"What a tragedy. Even though she was annoying, she will be missed. What'd she die of?\"
\"Methane poisoning.\"
\"Methane? Isn't that...?\"
\"Yes. Someone farted her to death.\"
\"What a shame. She really should've learned to shorten her 'cube meetings'. Anyone could've seen this coming. People get fucking pissed when those go over 15 minutes.\"
Let her death serve as a warning...
Abandon All Olfactory Senses, Ye Who Enter Judd's Cube.