YOU’RE a blog entry.

When faced with a task, either something that I've put in front of myself or something that someone has requested of me, I strive to be ever-expanding my skillset, my repertoire, as well as streamlining my processes.

Seriously, while I may look and act like a total dumbass sometimes, I am so efficient that it sometimes hurts. Literally, like my bladder and stuff.

So, when a friend asks me for advice and I feel the ol' Writing Glands needing a squeezing, I choose instead to write an entry instead of actually just replying to that persons email like someone else might.

And by "someone else" I mean, "Normal People."

And by "Normal" I mean, "NORMAL people are stupid."

Right then, a very good friend and former colleague (like how that sounds SO much better than "guy I useta work with"?) has recently caught me up on a snippet of his Love Life, and has mentioned in a very charming way that he's quite serious with a girl who has a 7 year-old boy.

Without presenting much more than what I just wrote above, he's asked for some advice on this situation.

From ME. HA. I KNOW!

There are many who have known me for a while and there are many who have not. It tends to come as a surprise to those that are newer to me to find out that my two oldest children do not actually derive from my own personal genestock. They were actually pre-existing to my relationship with their mother, so I have some experience at what my friend is facing.

Sadly, as I look at this issue and, Dog help me, ANY issue in which I am asked advice, my reply is seemingly ever-rooted in the purest and bumblingest of sincerity. I simply don't have any tricks. I'm just not that savvy.

I'm simply just me.

No surprise then, that this always seems to be my advice too. "Just be yourself" I find myself saying over and over, while forgetting that most people aren't quite like me. Most wouldn't act and react in the manner that I do in most Life situations.

Most wouldn't fly around the World to "meet" a girl for the first time and marry her after a few days.

Most wouldn't shoot their boss in the chest with a Nerf Dart Gun while facing a reprimand for other Nerf-related incidents.

Most wouldn't expel gaseous matter from their body whilst typing and happily cup said gas up to their own nose for a sampling... Ooo! That one was Fruity and Coffee!

I'm sure you get the point that I'm bashing about the head and neck.

That said, I'm changing my standard line of advice. In fact, I'm going Polar Opposite.

DON'T just be yourself. It probably wouldn't work. Be somebody that you'd like YOU to have been when you were the YOU that isn't You now but is the other You.

Yeah?

Crap, I just went back and re-read that. Sorry ‘bout that... 2, 3, 4...

We've all been on one side of any given situation for our whole lives. Well, when you're in a similar situation again, be the person that you'd have wished would've been opposite you the first time that you went through it.

Yeah that time? Crap, sorry again.

That really isn't the advice that I want to give to my friend anyway, as I'm pretty sure he wasn't ever the 7 year-old boy of a HotMom, facing his HotMom's boyfriend. That one isn't easy.

But, surprisingly enough, kids are.

Yep, you heard me. Kids are a piece of cake.

I mean, this one is a slam-dunk, candy-from-a-baby, easy-as, no-brainer.

Wanna get in with a kid?

BE a kid.

No shit. I don't care what kind of kid you were or how you were treated for being so. At one point in your life, you thought the words "fart", "butt", and "poo" were hilarious. Shit, you still might.

There's a fine example right there. The word, "shit". It's only funny sometimes, but mostly it's naughty. Remember?

Remember hearing it used only in the one context, then in the other? Remember that it was a line-crosser to use in front of your friends, because it meant that you were tainted for life as a "swearer"? Remember how cool it made you feel in front of your friends and how dangerous it was around adults?

Talk to a kid like that. Don't say things like "shit" unless you acknowledge its naughtiness and be prepared for fiendish giggling when you say things like "fart" or "poo".

And the way we used to talk to each other, think back to that. When one of us, completely seriously, was asking the other something important, and we would take whichever noun was the focus of the question and fire it back as a taunt.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need those TPS reports today..."

"YOU'RE a TPS report."

That shit is pure Gold, I swear.

I've gotten out of more "tough questions" and "sticky situations" with a plaintive/naughty child than I can count with that one. I use it when I'm cooking, I use it in the car, I use that one all the time, and I think I'm riotously funny.

"Daaaa-aaaaddy? What are you doing with Mommy's make-up?"

"YOU'RE Mommy's make-up."

*******

"Dad, why are we going the long way to Nanny and Poppy's?"

"YOU'RE the long way to Nanny and Poppy's."

*******

See? It's an invaluable asset in one's arsenal against Children's Questions of Meaningless.

Another great technique is identical to the other favoured way that you used to answer my questions. It's along the same lines as the previous example, however simply answer any question using the related noun and the location being one's rectum.

"Dad? Where are my shoes?"

"Up your butt?"

This one is handy for special circumstances as well. For instance, when a particularly neurotic child has lost something precious that was meant for "Show and Tell" at school and said child wanders forlornly into the kitchen and almost weeps out the words, "Dad, have you seen my NinjaRobotPirate shirt?" You have to be gentle with it, but still get it out there.

"Is it in your bum?" (Wry Smile)

This will almost always draw a smile and, if it doesn't, following up will almost always work.

"Nooo Dad... " (Still with sad face)

"Aw buddy, we'll find it" (Reassuring nod) "Did you even look in your bum though? I mean, how do you know for sure it's not in there?"

That one's a sure-fire winner for those times when you honestly have no idea where something is, don't feel like looking, and may possibly be secretly terrified that you threw it out and forgot to ask if it was still needed.

Other than how to respond jackassedly, I'm not sure I'm good for much more advice on how to be around kids, especially kids that are of your partner and not quite of you.

This is probably because I didn't last long with that frame of mind anyway, as I took one look at my kids and decided they were mine about a millisecond after they decided that I was theirs too.

It's been a hoot of a carnival ride ever since.

I'd suggest that you start with giving them yummy things and cuddles whenever they want. That's always a good place to start. Afraid of spoiling them? Wait for their other parent to tell you that you are, then back off.

Seriously though.Once again my advice for dealing with children, your own, your partners, your friends, or none of the above, is along the lines of sincerity and holding true to as many genuine feelings, actions, and reactions as you can.

Being sincere and genuine may not get them to like you straightaway, but it will never get them to NOT like you straightaway (Unless you're genuinely and sincerely an asshole, I suppose, but if you are then you aren't reading this and are instead dipping your finger in the cat's litterbox and wiping it under your kid's nose, so no worries).

Kids. Don't Bullshit them. They can smell Bullshit (and Catshit) 17 miles away and 90% of the time they'll never let you onto the fact that they KNOW you're bullshitting them.

They're incredibly adept at this li'l poker game we call "Parenting," so don't disrespect them.

If you can't tell them something, then tell them you can't tell them and tell them why.

If you need to lie, lie heavily about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, and sparingly about Death... in that order. In fact, with Death, don't even really lie, just don't tell them what your true beliefs are unless you know that they aren't going to make their li'l pants go brown (No 6 year-old wants to hear about how you think during our journey towards the Light we'll all have to answer for some of our worst transgressions, as he's going to go straight to that time that he put the Icy Pole in his sister's hair and honestly think that his flesh will flambe for that).

With parenting, much like my entire freakin' LIFE, I stumble along and try to do my best and the Right Thing. Sometimes, frequently, the former and latter don't get along, but that's what a Premo-Champion-of-Awesomeness Wife is for, and I'd advise you all to go out and get one.Unless you already got one, that is. Or are a girl, cos then you'd want a hubband. Unless you're gay and... meh, you get the idea. You can't have mine though.

Smooches.

Posted by JuddHole

This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.