Some things are just too excellent not to pass on.

November 13, 2009
Filed under:Chortling

SPAM is still a dirty word, particularly when I have to virtually run a business via email, but with assorted blockers and fighters, filters and assassins, I’ve found myself almost missing the offers of a longer lasting thingo and almost any pharmaceuticals I could imagine.

So, when I got an email from "Sprotiv" I decided to save it for a rainy day.  When I got another one from "Colon Cleanse" a day or so later, I realised it was sprinkling a bit, so here you go.

From: Sprotiv
Subject: Everything for terrorism on www.sprotiv.org
Body: Drugs (cocaine, heroin), missile (made in Russia), C4 explosive, children`s organs, and much more!
Best child porno on the netSee Free Porno Pictures, Free Porn Videos, Hot Porno Movies in Daily Updated Porn Galleries. … Hot Virtual Sex Game! Get a realistic pussy today

When I first woke up in the morning and blearily squinted in disbelief at the small child insisting that I "wake up and cook me bottle na milk" I had no idea that my dream where I was a coked-out arms dealer specialising in blowing up really small kidneys could come true.  Especially the part where I was a sullen and skulking boyfriend of Pink.  No, that part wasn’t in the email from Sprotiv, but I just figured that tied in really well with "get a realistic pussy today" because of how Pink got her name.

Even though it’s days later, I’m still reeling over the idea that someone is attempting to sell me such a wide variety of items and honestly thinks that they’ll hook a sucker with offerings of small people’s body parts.  Is it a multi-pronged sales attack?  Is that what I’m missing here?

They’re thinking, "First we’ll get his attention with the terrorism thing, he’s a good American (even if he’s not) and will want to do his part.  Patriotism!  Protection!  Then drugs, because he’ll recognise cocaine and heroin and they’re an obvious next step, and we follow it up straightaway with missiles!  I mean c’mon… MISSILES.  C4 he’ll know because he saw Die Hard and will undoubtedly want in on some of that.  He may be intimidated by MISSILES, they’re just for cool points, the C4 is a win right there."

"Children’s organs?  Hmmm… Well we figured that, by now he’s mentally panting for some action and we needed to bring him back to reality.  Because in reality you can’t just blow up a building full of automatic-weapon-wielding German bank robbers, but you DO need to deal with the fact that little Billy is already 43rd on the waiting list for a new lung.  We figure he’s already hot to spend some cash, I mean c’mon… MISSILES, so we aim for his kids and make him feel guilty for being so selfish, especially with Christmas coming up."

"Best child porno?  Another reality slap.  See, we’ve hooked him for young William’s soft tissue, now we further drive home the point that he’s a real sonuvabitch by taking his excitement over MISSILES and health solutions and rolling them onto kiddie porn.  We’re wearing him out now, so to tenderise him a bit more, we smack him over the head with FREE PORN.  Those words have lost some shine in recent years, but he’s prime for it now and we intend to use it to the fullest extent.  Galleries!  Virtual Sex Games!  Holy shit man, after several reality checks right in a row, you’re painfully aware that it doesn’t fucking get better than this!"

"And that’s when we bring it all home baby… and we hand him the keys to the castle.  A realistic pussy.  It all comes full circle if you think about it… we’ve hit his testosterone fantasies, his inner Bruce Willis, his heart, his testes and now… now we go for the full on reality check.  We’re going to promise him relief almost instantly.  He CAN have a realistic pussy today.  The only thing his hand is reaching for faster than his junk is his credit card.  SCORE."

After that email, the one titled, "Clean your colon" was too much.  I couldn’t buy "Wold #1 super food" fast enough.

Think about it.  Not only am I fighting terrorism, getting really fucking high, blowing shit up from a distance AND up close and personal, saving my sick yardape, watching FREE PORN and feeling disgusted by it too, ALL of which while fucking a piece of plastic that gives way less attitude than my wife… but I get to clean my colon too?

Best.  Email.  Day.  Ever.

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