I think I’m Funny « Welcome to the JuddHole

2Aug/11Off

Spammers Need Only One Thing.

Passive Bloke is one of my favourite reads in existence, and even if his blog's all about being all writery and such, it's still good value for those that aren't keen on novelling. Today he posted about spam, and I thought I'd share some of my responses to spams I've gotten over the months.

Bear in mind that it's usually NOT a good idea to reply as it only confirms your email with a giant stencilled stamp reading "SUCKER", but I figure if I'm getting this crap anyway, I may as well have some fun with it.

And by "fun" I mean "always include the suggestion that they forcibly sodomise themselves with various objects".

Subject: Google Listing

Dear,

Hope you are well. I was surfing through your website “www.jexanalytics.com” and Saw your website is not on top rankings for most of your keywords pertaining to your domain so I was wondering if you would be interested in getting Search engine optimization done for your website.

Ethical SEO leads to Better Traffic leading to higher Sales.

We follow all ethical and proprietary techniques to get your website on top.

Let me know if you would like me to mail you more details or schedule a call. We'll be pleased to serve you.

I look forward to your feedback

Yours sincerely,
Astha
Marketing Manager

See, this shit is really funny because at this time I was in the SEO game and I was "on top rankings". My reply:

Dear,
I’m probably going to want to schedule a call with you guys.
I mean, otherwise, I’ll never be able to find out where you live so I can come by and forcibly sodomise you with a length of knotted rope.

Cheers,
Judd Exley
Managing Director
Jex Analytics

They wrote back! GOLD.

Subject: RE: Google Listing

Hi Judd,
We are located in the NCR region of New Delhi , India. Therefore your afternoon time would best suit us.
Let me know when you want to schedule a call.
Regards,
Raghav Khurana
Sales Manager

To which I answered (gigglingly):

Hi Raghav,
I’ll need an address for you guys, so I can stop by and forcibly sodomise you with a length of knotted rope (see my original email).

Cheers!
Judd Exley
Managing Director
Jex Analytics

And again! They're missing something in the language translation methinks:

Hi Judd,
Our contact details are mentioned on our website .The URL is www.d2stechnologies.com
Let me know when you want to schedule a call.
Regards,
Raghav Khurana
Sales Manager

Not getting it. I felt sorta bad, thinking some poor schlep in Delhi is wondering when he's going to hit it big, so I sent this:

Hey Raghav,
While I am having the BEST time repeatedly emailing you and discussing forcibly sodomising you with a length of knotted rope (which I’m doubting you even understand as a concept, more on that later), I thought it best to let you know that I’ve turned you guys in to the following websites:

http://www.fw2.com/fws/rec5.html

http://www.ehow.com/how_2003328_report-spammers-isp.html

http://www.spamcop.net/

http://www.spamarchive.org/

As well as sending your email address and other relevant contact details to Google and Yahoo’s Abuse Departments. Thanks so much for sending through all of your contact information, as it’s going to be so much easier for them to flag you and stop your incessant spamming (and really, really shitty marketing attempt) emails. I mean really, why do you fuckwads insist on spelling things like “Web Desiging”? It’s insulting to the people that really are trying to make a living at it, even if they’re shittier than you (and that’s not easy!).

In regards to the forcible sodomisation, I’ll break it down for you. Because you persist in bothering me, anyone really, with emails, threats of phone calls and other nonsense, I am suggesting you take some thick rope, tie some knots in it, and put it up your ass. Yes, in your rectum. Right up there.

Now, that may not sound that bad, but imagine rope like cattle rope, or the wire-reinforced stuff that haytrucks use to tie their stuff down. That’s about 2-inches thick and very rough on the hands, so imagine how it’ll feel being stuffed into your pucker... And then yanked out! Oh dear. I’m afraid that would be quite uncomfortable and would probably do some long-lasting damage.

Also, in regards to that, I’ve taken your email (and your friend Rishi’s there) and have signed you up to some sodomy newsletters, forums and some other interesting sites that deal with putting things in your bottom. You guys seem so interested in it, I thought I’d help you out with that.

While I don’t wish death on you spamming fuckshitweasels, I do wish you’d just stop, so please treat this email as the nicest and most humorous way of asking you to do so.

Cheers!
Judd Exley
Managing Director
Jex Analytics

I knew it would happen, but I haven't heard back since. [Sad Face]

Feel free to copy this tactic with other suggestions (if you're not down for the whole rectum thing but still want to see some damage) such as:

Dousing themselves in flammable liquids.
Covering themselves in some sort of yummy substance and laying down on anthills or rodent-infested nests.
Stripping naked and running through busy traffic.
Grasping their keyboard in both hands and moving it quickly and repeated into their own face.
Watching "Glee"!

Enjoy!

Posted by JuddHole

This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.

Filed under: I think I'm Funny 2 Comments

13May/11Off

To top it all off…

On top of all the latest fun, this is me:

***

On a completely unrelated topic, if I'm ever caught out in the jungle with horrifying razor-toothed jaguars hunting me like prey, I'm going to dip a finger down the ol' poop chute and then wipe it on my neck.

There's something magical about home-made anus cream in that its smell permeates EVERYWHERE and it's impossible to get off.Â No killer jaguars are getting ME... no sir.

***

On another completely unrelated topic, it's highly entertaining/surreal to be changing a nappy and see, in precise detail, some of the features my son has inherited directly from me.

***

PS - I lied, those two notes above?Â Yeah, totally related to the topic at smelly, smelly hand.

Posted by JuddHole

This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.

Filed under: I think I'm Funny No Comments

13Apr/11Off

There’s a $1000 check in my metre box

Usually, the merits of being a small businessmanguyperson far outweigh any of the detractions, but then there's days where you wonder how the other "little guys" do it.

When I announced that I wasn't going to do SEO any more, AND that I was going to go on Baby Leave for 18 weeks, it was as if the floodgates opened.Â Clients that I hadn't heard from since before Xmas were all-of-a-sudden needing to get me their stuff, and sign up for new stuff, and pay me.

And.Â Pay.Â Me.

SWEEEEEET.

That part has been pure gold, but the shit parts are the insistence, the hurry that people have put into things now.

"We've only got a week!Â HURRY!Â Pay him and then he'll finish our project the night before his baby pops out!"

Um, no.

I'm not actually going to do that, nor am I going to actually work on Baby Leave, that's kind of the whole point.

So, I'm happily turning projects down or turning them over to Dub-T, my mate in Waroona who's going to take on the mantle of New SEO Guy of Awesome.

I've found that I like saying "No" a whole lot, particularly when they look like trouble anyway.

"We want to rank for 'training courses' before July, and the only way to update our system is to email Ravi and ask very nicely for stuff.Â Wait a week or so for a reply, sometimes the goats really wander off and he gets delayed."

"Can't help you, but I'll send your details on to... [insert overpriced fucko SEO guy in Perth's name here].Â HE'LL take care of you, real nice."

But then one of my wacky colleagues, an odd little duck that I met a while ago, brings me another client (she's good for a half-dozen a year on average) that she wants to "get in under the Judd wire."

I tell her no.Â I emailed these people ages ago to discuss the project.Â I sent them documents and asked for their feedback and heard nothing.Â They want to rank for a retardedly difficult term and had no budget... no, No, NO.

Then, while me and the entire family waited an hour and a half for the Gasser Babydoc (anaesthetist), I get a call that I decline, then a voicemail, then a text (which was almost a verbatim copy of the voicemail, except for the typos, heh):

I told them your the best and they really want you to do their project and they put there money where there mouth is and there a cheque in your metre box for $1055

Well shee-it.

Turns out I can be bought.

Or rather, that smicko new pram and carseat can.Â Muh-hur-hur.

Posted by JuddHole

This blog was the one that changed everything in my life, so it stands to reason that it continue to do so. I hope it starts with my underwear.

Filed under: I think I'm Funny No Comments

17Nov/10Off

Our Phones are too Smart.

While it's not usually in my nature to write up my manifestos on the Downfall of Western Culture, I sure think about it a lot.Â Not in the tinfoil hat way either, but in the way that says "Pay attention to this thing happening, it's probably going to end up shaping the world and you don't want to get caught short."

So I went to a pizza party last year for muckity-mucks from a conference here in Perth called "Edge of the Web".Â Since I'm apparently "edgy" and "webby" I was asked to speak and then attend a Build Your Own Pizza party at the chairman of the Australian Web Industry's house.Â It wasn't a screamer, but was fun enough, and the whole night I watched this quiet gent poking away at his iPhone (I think they'd just came out or something).

Now, I barely got 4 words out of this guy and was within arms reach of him most of the night, yet when I got home and saw all these mentions of me on Twitter I saw that he'd been standing there taking pictures with his phone and tweeting things about what was going on at the party.Â Not the least of which was me jackassedly comparing the Boy Scouts to the Porn Industry and smashing an entire stack of pizza boxes with a 4-foot leap and my motorcycle boots.

In his tweets he was laughing and interactive and having a great time.Â In "Real Life" he stood relatively expressionless and saying little.

Flash forward to a webnerd meetup downtown a month or so ago and I've ridden the train in because then I don't have to count drinks and can be home in time to sloppily kiss wife and pass out.Â A fun night in an upstairs bar/lounge where I brazenly made my way around the different tables introducing myself to people I didn't know and tickling the nipples of those I did.Â All up though, conversation was limited to me and 2 other mates that sat and had beers for a while.Â Neither of whom tweeted about it later, while there were forum posts and many a tweet later from the assembled mob about the drinks and the pizza and the presentation we'd watched.

Funny, I barely saw anyone up at the bar with us and NOBODY said anything about the pizza that was nearby me.Â 40 people maybe, most silent in person, yet so many so vocal when their fingers are skittering across the keyboard on their phones.

It used to be that if you were hanging out with somebody and they were madly twiddling away on their phone, it meant that they were having a fight with their girlfriend who was in the doctor's office, or the library, or in a movie theatre.Â There was an apology and/or an explanation at least.Â Now I see somebody doing it while we're socialising and I don't even get an "I'm Facebooking this!Â This is great!"

They just tuck their heads down and further absorb themselves in their e-world, ignoring the "real" one.

At the end of that night downtown, I boarded a 9:30 train and sat down in a relatively crowded carriage.Â As I walked past no fewer than 5 "Smart" phones of varying brands I considered pulling out my phone if I felt like playing "Tank Blow Up" like I do on the toilet.Â I didn't.

Instead I sat next to two dolled-up gals on their way to the casino and some booze-smelling derelict toting his broken down bike and a beat-up fishing hat.Â He got to talking with them, as drunken derelicts do, and asked if they were Aboriginal ("Noongar" is the local tribe).Â They both said they were and he mentioned proudly that he used to be housemates with a prominent Noongar musician.Â I chimed in excitedly that I loved her stuff as I listen to her on Noongar Radio (because it plays some decent stuff and is commercial free), and the two older gals started chatting with me too.

Before I knew it, we were talking about how "Closing the Gap" is a nice movement and all, but that to truly affect change in the Australian Aboriginal community, we can't keep using the "white" mentality to try and change all the Noongar into white folks (like they did with the "Stolen Generation"), we need to use the Noongar culture to educate the Noongar and white folks alike to teach respect and give it more importance in our daily lives.

We sat and talked animatedly about how educating our children on the importance of the culture that the white folks almost obliterated is one of the most important things we can do for the next generations, and only in changing how the next generations think are we ever going to do anything about "Closing the Gap".

Since both gals were "Stolen Generation" this kind of issue impacted them quite deeply, and both related tales of sadness in watching Noongar youths wander this city completely lacking in any cultural identity, and how that probably is what contributes to their unfocused anger.

And to think, if I'd had earbuds in and was simply tweeting away about the bourbon-soaked bum and the loud and heavily-perfumed Aboriginal ladies going to the bloody casino, I never would've had a conversation that I'll remember forever.