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Good For Something

March 18, 2009
Filed under:Chortling

The following are some very important emails I’ve received over the last few months.  This morning, I decided it would be unfair of me not to share them with the World.

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Subject: How manny orgasm can man do

How many orgasm can man do? I had four orgasms in about 40 minutes! :)

This diversion gave her to compose herself before high platform, i was politely requested to ascertain faced about towards the singers, then did dorothy interest in this german war menace. I believe his followers shouted, a dooma doom! And prepared.

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Watch the way you talk about Manny Orgasm, he’s a friend of mine.  Your attempts at playfulness by use of smileys makes me mildly uncomfortable, but you really got me with talk of Dorothy and the way she used to interest Nazis, that’s some good shit.

4 in 40 minutes?!?  Sound like my honeymoon!  A Dooma Doom indeed.

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Subject: Be a true hero in bed

Give your women kind of zest cause you are so pretty blessed.

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From what the firefighters tell me, "we’ve all got a little hero inside."  They didn’t tell me that apparently the rest of the sentence is "our pants".

Your rhymes are clever enough

for me to go and buy your stuff.

I’ll get myself out there and get "pretty blessed"

but first you must kiss my ass… est.

Damn, this is harder than it looks.  Curse you spammers and your rhyming talents!

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Subject: prrolonged erection

Prolonged errection

Life itself. Virtue is everlasting pleasure and arjuna to fight for him. Beholding the host sinking if we had occupied it as enemies. I wish they his manners and conversation, in such a wellregulated of the miss killpatricks. ’so ireland is at the.

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I too, will honour St. Killatrick’s Day with a prrolonged erection and the memory of the mighty arjuna and their manners.

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Subject: Augment your male tool.

You can solve all your man’s problems by only one purchase!

Buy the products you need for healthy everyday living cheaper than anywhere else..

Give her furnace some heat.

Sale is about to end.

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Sadly, I found this has nothing to do with that new crescent wrench I was looking at.  Now THAT would’ve solved all my problems with one purchase.

I tried stoking the ol’ furnace this morning, but you gotta open the little door and slide the flue if you’re going to add any heat.  Plus, if you split the kindling too big, you can’t get it to light despite how tightly you crumple up some newspaper underneath it and… crap, I think I totally just went literal in the middle of this metaphor…

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Subject: Get humongous fang power

Solve your man’s problems with the help of our online company!

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I actually do want their online company to give me "humongous fang power".  I can’t imagine that being anything other than coolness of some extreme factor.

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Subject: No woman cann’t help from from getting laid with you

IF YOU WANT TO FUCK SOMEBODY, FUCK YOURSELF & SAVE YOUR MONEY!

Some words about health!

It’s motto for losers! Are you loser? To my mind you’re not! I’ll give some advise how could get it on for a day or two:) If you can not do it physically, use some ataraxics. For example deleted or deleted…In my sexual practice it helped me not once… Do you feel such satisfaction by yourself? But i feel it every time i use such lexir as deleted or deleted! BE THE BEST IN BAD!!! ;)

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If it’s about saving money, I’ll fuck myself all day.  Mister, you are talkin’ my language.

Can you imagine being able to fuck yourself, save money AND be the best in bad?  GOLD.

Two words:  I’m sold.

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Subject: Enter her twat like a bull

Become her master, he, whose rod can show her where heaven is.

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All jokes aside, this is the best email I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.

Adventure? Excitement?  A Jedi craves not these things.  He craves a rod that can show her where heaven is.

"It’s over there." *points rod*

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That’s all for now.  This is seriously something I need to recover from.

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