Positive AWESOME League Awstreliom

September 10, 2009
Filed under:Chortling

While it occurs to me that I am ever-loathe to use such cliches as "work’s sure busy" and "clients have got me flat-out" and such, much like my fuzzy slippers, robe, and striped PJ’s uniform for retrieving the mail and walking kids across the "big" road on their way to school, I’ve realised lately that, at times, I am a walking cliche.

Work is SO busy, in fact, that I’ve taken on some pro bono work.  Which, as I’m learning, is actually Latin for "work that’s way more fun than paid work".

I first met DJ Jazzy Schmoo through wife’s main forumy thing.  E-met, I should say, as she shared his thread where he was wanting to start up a website and change the world for like, orphans and nuns and kittens and shit.  I threw my hat in the ring with all the other yobs in the thread, all poking their paddies up and saying "We LOVE orphans, we’ll help!"  With such choices I could only assume that he’d hooked up with a hotshit web designer and was ready to hit the interwebs over the head with a Positive Action Hammer.

Turns out that he must not have had that many genuine enquiries, because he got right back to me and immediately started buttering me up with how funny my emails were and what a ninjapiratepimp I must be with all things webby.  He had me at the "ur funny" and I only ratcheted it up after that, especially when he started making up words using two or more awesome words.  "Robotninja" is his as is "ninjapimp", but his name is like "DJ Slayerkilldead" or some shit.

To this day I have a hard time believing that anybody that’s starting a foundation for orphans and kittens and climbs fkn Mt. Kilimanjaro for charity can actually make up new and awesome words in a way that out-awesomes me.  Oh, he’s a DJ or some shit too.  It gets better.

I end up at a party for some of wife’s e-quaintances and she proudly parades me out in front of some seedy dude in a beanie and says, "Here he is!"  Me and dude look at each other and there is decidedly little fanfare.  Struggling to make context as well as remember if I’ve met the fucker before, I play it cool, but he plays it cooler.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right.  "Play it cool?" says you, "Judd, you couldn’t play it cool if you had ice blocks wedged in your rectum."  And to that I’d say, "Rectum? Nearly killed ‘im!"

By the end of the night, my nose is sore from having Rogers Draught repeatedly blown through it and I am frantically trying to program into my phone the complete recipe of "Chunk Norris Soup".  I’d list it here, but entering it into my phone turned out to be stupidly drunk of me, and didn’t work.  It’s something along the lines of:

Chunk Norris Soup

Directions: Make sure girlfriend is on her way home after long day of work and has just asked you what you had planned for dinner that you’d promised to make 2 days ago and had completely forgotten until 2.3 seconds ago.  Start drinkng beers.  Chop up everything and put in giant pot, making sure that ninja is actually dead and not just using the Whispering Phoenix of Deathslice on you.  Think about Chuck Norris.  Heat to boil.  Think about Chuck Norris again.  Reduce to a simmer, paying homage to a soup that roundhouse kicks other soups to death.  Finish beers.  Wipe mouth off on sleeve and think about Chuck Norris again.  Give lamb and ninja one last poke to ensure they’ve shed this mortal coil.  Think up an incredibly awesome name for soup.  Enjoy!

I even topped myself by repeatedly referring to him as "DJ" whateverwhatever and he’s actually "MC" whateversomethingcool.  When this was clarified to me by wife, I loudly and whitely asked, "He’s an EMCEE?!?  I thought he was a DEEJAY!  What the hell’s the difference between an EMCEE and a DEEJAY?!?"  Bless ‘im, he never felt the need to tell me how fucking stupid I am.

The man is amazing.  He invents soups.  Tough goddam soups.  I’VE never invented a goddam soup, and I invented one of the best "My Dick is SO Big" jokes.  Haven’t heard it?

My Dick is SO Big, that when I’m taking a piss, Chuck Norris leans over and says, "Hey… that’s a pretty big dick."

As this web project progresses, so does the inanity and hilarity of each passing email.  We’ve decided that conversations are only improved by add-ons, and every statement in said conversation is immediately improved with the add-on of "…in my pants."

Think about it.  Now read the following relatively ho-hum statements using this sure-fire treat:

Fucking GOLD.  You’re welcome.  No seriously, you should be thanking me.  I just made the next 40 boring statements into something amusing for you.  Why 40?  Because you’ll forget after about 40 or so, and you’re life will return to shit.  I can’t do it ALL for you people!

So after I tried to out-testosterone him with emails questioning his manhood (yeah, I KNOW, what the hell was I thinking going after a guy who invented a tough goddam soup?) I tried to Gay Chicken him with subtle mentions of how much I LOVE the show "Farmer Wants a Wife".  And how I like it up the butt.  My subtleties were apparently lost on him, as I never got the desired effect short of laughter and raunchy and quite pointed status updates on his Facebook.

Then, my phone rings the other day with a downtown number I don’t recognise:

"Yallo, this is Judd!"

"Heya… you guys do website stuff right?"

"Well, I focus on Web Marketing, but yes.  Whatcha lookin’ for?"

"Well uh… I need some help with my search engine."

"Ooooookay, your search engine.  Right.  What’s your URL?"

"Um yeah… it’s www dot IN MY PANTS"

"Hey fucko!  I totally knew it was you!"

"Yeah right, and *I* consistently satisfy my girlfriend’s sexual needs!"

I’m paraphrasing, of course, because I don’t remember the conversation.  He did however offer that he’d call me on the weekend to discuss the web stuff in extreme detail.  He didn’t, because he was too hungover.  So he sent me this:

Yo,

The basic wishlist for Santajudd is this:
- Pretty lookin Website (I like blue)
- Members login for Webmail and Contributors
- PBB Forum (He means PHP BB)
- Photos
- Pages can have multiple articles
- Laser cannons
- Banner Ad up top to plug latest dumb bleeding heart crusades
- Ninjas with lightsabers
- Shop section with merch for fundraising projects/running costs
- About and Contact section
- Awesome jetpowered flying boat
- Website has ability to take over the world

Don’t forget to stamp your company all over the place too so people know who the awesome musketeer is that created the thing (musketeers are now more awesome than robots, pirates and ninjas. Actually, musketeer is the new pirate ninja robot.)

Words cannot express.  Actually they can, because when I said that he should start putting together some of his favourite design elements, he said, "No probs, I’m actually a bit of a whiz at Photoshop!"  When he mentioned that he’d lost the hi-res version of his logo, I suggested that he just run a "trace paths" and vectorise it, to which he responded, "okay, you know how I said I’m like a ‘whiz at Photoshop’?  Well, by ‘whiz’ what I mean is ‘only just learning really’ so pathing traces is some magic Terry Pratchett Wizard Joojoo or some shit, so speak fuckin’ slow okay?"

So, now that I’ve found that I’ve got free time to spend on charity organisations that ooze more humanitarian awesomeness from their logo than can be found in a soup kitchen’s exhaust fan grill, I’ve found that I actually like it.  And that, as long as I’m sitting around not getting paid to web, I may as well redesign this poor fucking forgotten blog and start writing funny shit again.

Smooches.

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