I awoke on my side and my first thought as I looked up at the pine headboard was of severe disappointment that my dream wasn’t real. While my life is by no means painful, the realisation that I was still in this life and not in my dream wasn’t pleasant. Instead of feeling depressed or terribly bothered by this, I decided to simply revel in the thoughts and feelings that my dream had given me.

In reality, this particular Sunday afternoon was one in which we were to make that long drive North to retrieve our children from their fortnightly visitations with their less-than-noteworthy biological component and his reprehensible parents. In my dream, this was the same, only the place that we were departing from was very different. Quite simply, it was the home of our dreams. Not just the home of our dreams, but the Life of our dreams as well.

We’d pulled out of a winding dirt driveway from someplace nestled in the hills and had come down the main roads towards the city and our destination just North of it. I was driving a taller vehicle than our meagre Falcon, it felt like a Jeep Grand Cherokee or Nissan Patrol, and I had my hat on. I love my hat, as it never fails to symbolise freedom and the dream of being independently wealthy, and I was happy in my “truck” with my wife and youngest child. Even the typically stressful trip to get the kids was made quite pleasant in this context, like an average Sunday drive to town.

The sun was shining at an angle behind me and I could almost feel the warmth that it laid across the door frame and onto the dash. Certain corners brought the sunshine onto me and across the wide brim of my hat, and it felt so comfortably reassuring that I could’ve been fooled into thinking that it would never be cloudy again.

This Life, this Dream Life, is not so unattainable for us. I’ve always lived my life with the knowledge that if you want something enough, if you work for it enough, then it is always within your grasp. This Life is no different, and is within our grasp, despite the ever-present depressing crush of bills and ever-mounting debt.

“Eyes on the Prize” has been something that I’d always found too clichéd or trite to actually use in my common language, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t extremely applicable to the life I’m leading now. I’ve come to learn that thinking and dreaming of something better doesn’t actually add to the depressing awareness of where we are at now, but instead fuels the drive and ambition that it will take to actually get to that better life. I believe that, I’ve always believed that, I just get distracted sometimes and forget.

I spent the rest of the day enjoying this feeling, and was acutely aware of my calm and relaxed demeanour in a way that is pleased that it is here, but is sad in the knowledge that I’m not always this way and that, like my dream, it too will fade away and leave something less attractive behind. Like a base emotion or way of being, my stress and depression at the current state of affairs seems to be the most prevalent, and I am constantly feeling both the need to apologise for being this way and the pressure to not let things get to me the way they do.

That night, after the kids were in bed and the house was winding down, I went outside for a smoke. Even though I had taken off my hat upon returning home, I could still feel it just as strongly as the alternate reality of my dream. I looked up at the stars, winking with a dull glow in the cooling air, and could feel their true shine hidden just past the light pollution of the metropolis I was standing in the middle of. I closed my eyes and let my brain pull that shine through me, allowing the “real” nature of my feelings wind its way through my senses and consciousness. I found myself tuning out the steady blurps and roars of nearby traffic, hearing only the wind on the leaves through the trees and connecting with the movement of nature in such a way that I could tell what season it was and what the weather would be like in the next few days simply by the feeling of that breeze.

This dream, those stars, and that breeze are all things that are “real” in this life, they are what truly speak to my soul, giving me the allowance, the freedom, to actually feel like myself. That grumpy, stressed out, poverty-stricken person isn’t the “real” me any more than that muted and struggling starshine is “real” or that breeze through the trees that carries sirens and V8 engine revvings is the “real” one.

This Life, with its bills and debt, with its not-enough-coming-in vs. too-much-going-out, with its deadlines and hustle and bustle, with its moving and shaking, isn’t “real” to me. Sitting in traffic and watching others zoom in and out of cars, hurrying their way along to whatever destination surely doesn’t need them there so quickly, a question repeatedly grips my brain, “Isn’t there a better way?”

Sadly, this question is answered all too frequently by my own lack of acknowledgement of it. I get bogged down with the best of ‘em it seems, and can only find my head and dislodge it from my ass rarely and with only enough energy and force to get feelings like these documented during a rare moment of “downtime” before I get caught up in it all once again.

What’s the trick then? How does one go about their daily life, fraught with the fragility of money and its importance, and find the willpower to not be affected by it all?

I suppose this question can be answered quite simply, as most difficult questions can, with the idea that if one is doing what they are passionate about, something that truly brings them joy and fulfilment, then they need never worry about being “bogged down” in things as those things can never, will never, outweigh the good that they get from their passionate pursuits. Hence the importance of hobbies, I suppose, though in writing that I have realised, perhaps for the first time, that hobbies are all that I really want to do.

Finding a “hobby” that actually keeps the bills paid turns it into a “job” and has the potential of becoming one of those things that isn’t “real” in context of the rest of one’s life. I suppose there’s the potential of doing something that starts as a hobby that becomes something that pays the bills so well, and comes so naturally and without effort, that one can truly find the joy and passion in it despite it’s importance to one’s lifestyle.

I am a writer. I’m reasonably good at it and I enjoy doing it. It was never felt like a “job”. If I could find a way of turning that into such a substantial income that my own psyche would finally lay off its stressful distractions, then I believe that I would consider myself truly happy. I’m willing to work towards this and I believe that it can happen.

I just have no idea how.

There’s the rub, isn’t it? Isn’t that always the way?

I’m going to write a book, and just get it done. Not in an effort to get that albatross from off my neck, nor in an effort to chase that ever-elusive Life Happiness, but to simply be doing something I love, something I am passionate about.

If I can do this, if I can buckle down and commit myself to this, then who knows what will happen? Worst-case scenario is that I’ll have spent some of my time pursuing pleasure from a hobby, and the best-case… well who’s to say how far that can go?

Wish me luck.

We’re already running late, I’ve got to scare up some flowers and my cowboy boots aren’t the best for walking fast, so all signs are pointing to just taking the car the environmentally-Unfriendly 4 blocks to school.

It’s just such a beautiful day though, and I tell her to get her helmet and scooter out while I find the loppers to procure the only full blossom on the rosebushes out front. It’s above my reach, and once its branch has been snipped it tumbles down towards certain doom before settling perfectly on the thorny crook of neighbouring branches. I take this as a sign, pick it up and head out.

At school I pass by the Parent Room, a flurry of activity that doesn’t really register with me, and walk across the campus to the furthest building where Piehead is in Pre-Primary. Being late, we have to hurry kisses and “be good”s while she grabs a patch of carpet and lines up with the rest of her class to head to the assembly. Peggy Jean Patty Sue Mum Of Year gestures at the giant blossom in my hand and adds it to the armload she’s already got. “I’m the Flower Girl this morning!” she announces happily, and I notice that her sense of humour has actually developed a bit since becoming pregnant with what promises to be yet another perfectly balanced progeny.

As I walk back up towards the assembly I notice Peggy taking my flower into the Parent Room, where the earlier activity was making “flower circles” as the kids had mentioned. Realising they meant “wreaths”, I felt a bit stupid for not just dropping it off on our way by, and saving them from last-second scrambles. I get seated in the last 2 rows of chairs on the East side, all of which are empty. The air is chill and I’m re-thinking my earlier t-shirt choice as I notice that the man directly across the street has chosen the exact moment of the assembly to crank up his lawnmower. Thankfully, the fact that it sounds as if it’s running on gravel instead of petrol makes him stop to check it out, instead of making this the worst Anzac Day services in history.

The kids hit “Play” on the CD Player on cue, and deliver their scripted lines about “The Last Post” and other such songs after they’ve played. They read out the appropriate lines, raise and lower the flag appropriately while the somber-faced old gentlemen in suits with medals and ribbons plastered to the breast nod and occasionally read some words that are nigh impossible to hear over the freshly cranked lawnmower.

As my oldest niece’s voice rises above the others in the children’s version of “One Last Parade”, two small kids walk up the aisle with a large wreath. I find serendipity in our tardiness and desperation of the morning as I notice with quiet pride that the largest and most perfectly placed blossom on the wreath is the huge red rose we’d so hastily gathered earlier.

The song they’re singing never fails to bring water to my eyes, regardless of how stoic I struggle to appear, and I once again question my fashion choice of the morning in forgetting my sunglasses. As we settle into a moment of silence, certain truths of the day reveal themselves to me.

Of these men, these soldiers, most of them don’t talk about the memories. Those that do, seem to only fondly recall going on leave, or stories from training, but not fighting. The fighting is something that they either never seem to recall or simply won’t talk about. Their reluctance to speak of their time in the service seems directly proportionate to the level of fighting they’ve seen.

Case in point, my father’s father served somewhere in the Pacific, seeing the enemy only once as a Japanese Zero wandered woundedly and crazily off-course from the Battle of Midway and flew over their ramshackle radio shed while they attempted to bring it down with a .45 pistol. He used to relate this story with some humour, embellishing nothing and pointing out that their efforts were the equivalent of trying to fell an elephant with river pebbles. His memories had no scarring and were unhindered by horror, unlike many of his friends and comrades.

My wife’s grandfather has never spoken of his time in the service, and the details of what branch he even served in are fuzzy and debated. I can only assume that he’s seen things no human ever should. “Haunted” is an undeniable understatement for these men, as I recall listening to my friend’s father, a veteran of Viet Nam, occasionally wake up screaming in the night. Other than his sleep-garbled words resembling someone “in the wire”, he patently refused to ever speak of the war.

I look up and look past the microphone stand to a sign. “Lest We Forget” is pasted in coloured-in letters, collaged together by bright-eyed young primary students. It’s meaning to them lightyears different than from the grizzled old bloke at the microphone, proudly donning his beret and thanking us for being there. When I look into his eyes I get the feeling that he is wishing that he would forget, if only he could.

We bring these two together, these the fresh, sweet and young and these the weathered, wise and experienced, so that none of them forget. While they are young, they are learning not to forget how to be thankful for the freedoms they have, for the lives that they enjoy so thoroughly under the roof of protection that too many have died to build. When they are older and becoming adults, they will learn not to forget that their lives are precious, perhaps too precious to be gambled with on a battlefield, or perhaps so precious that they will choose to give them willingly. They will continue to remember to be thankful for those that have done the same for they will more fully realise the repercussions of this choice.

When they are grown and maybe even have children of their own, they will not forget to be thankful for all they have, all that they have had the opportunity to build and grow on their own. They will not forget that they have led a life where they have never had a friend of theirs get blown to pieces in front of their very eyes. They will not forget that they have never had to take someone’s life simply to prevent theirs from being taken in situations devised and created by people in offices whose lives are not at risk. They will not forget that there are others, sometimes family, who have memories that they cannot forget, regardless of how much they wish they could.

When they remember, they will remember it all. They will even remember to be thankful for the old men’s memories, horrific as they are, for they are a lesson. The pain and even primal scarring they see shadowed in those old men’s eyes is just as important to remember as the freedoms afforded by their sacrifice.

This day really isn’t so that we remember to be thankful, for we really should remember to do that on our own. Every single day.

No. The real reason we remember all of this on this day, is to remember to never do it again.

In High School, our source for alcohol was usually Zeke, the freckle-covered red-headed product of the White Trashiest family I knew, before I even knew about White Trash. Zeke worked at the IGA and despite his less-than-stellar IQ, knew how to wangle items that weren’t officially on the inventory books. On this particular night, this included a bottle of champagne and a case of beer that took crappy to the extreme.

Todd, myself, and a newish friend named Chris had decided to just cruise the backroads and consume this alcohol, knowing that we would undoubtedly park in a spot to be designated as “celebratory” and pop the champagne, and then use it for those purposes and not necessarily in getting us drunk. That, of course, was what the beer was for.

Chris was the grandson of an old woman in town whose name we all knew not only for it’s humour factor but for it’s infamy in the Old Schoolhouse Lore. While her first name was the same as Mickey Mouse’s girlfriend, her last name was the same as the bruise-style mark that young lovers leave on each other’s necks. You can imagine how much fun it was to even say. In fact, go for it. Go on, say it. See? Funny.

She’d retired just after most of our older siblings had received her dementia-addled tutelage, so we’d heard all about how crazy she was before she finally became a recluse in her rather nice home in the centre of town. For lack of proper parenting or the fact that he was just a sleazebag, Chris had come to our tiny town to finish out his High School years and do his best to stay out of trouble. Why his parent or guardian thought this would be done best with a batshit-crazy 78-year old woman I have yet to figure out. Regardless, his grandmother was about as grandmotherly as Chris was trustworthy, and she called him “slippery” whenever she got a chance.

If I think about it now, I suppose I was drawn to him because of his strong resemblance to my brother, another very “slippery” character. Maybe Chris was my chance to make up for my brother’s shortcomings and dishonesty by inflicting my better influences on him. An opportunity to show that somehow goodness and honesty will triumph over all. I was 17 and obviously a bit misguided, though to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how much has changed other than that I don’t openly mock old women anymore.

The 3 of us piled into Todd’s ‘78 Jeep that night and set off in search of not only somewhere to discreetly drink ourselves into a stupor, but also to suitably celebrate something. Anything, really. We’d taken to habit of having no destination, with a fair bit of instinct thrown in, and headed up a quiet road connecting a neighbouring town with another called “Joliet”. Intelligently enough, we called it, “The Joliet Road”. Low on traffic and heavy with turnoffs and quiet, we eventually just pulled the Jeep over onto the shoulder and continued our drinking in earnest. The energy was at a bit of a lull at this point, but was strong enough for us to think that the best place for this little party of ours was in the middle of the road. Coincidentally enough “Joliet” Jake and Elwood Blues crooned from the stereo about being a “Soul Man” and the atmosphere was right.

This section of road was one of the few decently paved and painted parts, and actually felt quite modern to lay on and suck down awful-tasting beer. The night was cool, even for mid-Summer, and the view was spectacular. The night sky was bountiful with its stars and the crisp air gave them a shine that was almost unnatural. The energy was in them too, but completely positive in nature. For no other reason than we’d run out of beer and it needed opened, we popped the champagne to toast the stars.

Taking turns off the bottle meant that one had to deal with the inevitable blast of bubbles upon tipping the bottle up, so the actions had to be fairly quick. Todd was busy telling Chris a story very animatedly, and while I can’t remember the story I know it didn’t interest me more than the bitter bite of the bubbles and the magnificent constellation-filled sky. Either due to his drunkenness or his innate clumsiness (a debate that would rage well into our adulthoods) Todd inexplicably swung his arm around behind him in a wide arc, illustrating something in his story and hammering the bottom of the bottle with full force into my mouth.

Surprise more than pain was what made me exclaim, and I gently probed the fragmented bits of sharpness in my mouth while Todd barely skipped a beat in finishing his story to Chris. Mixed with something smooth and sharp was a powdery residue, the unpleasantness of such being enough to make me spit all of it onto the road. I swirled my tongue around in my mouth and discovered that my right front tooth had a lower quadrant broken off. Shock hit, in that way that you imagine it feels to a character in a movie about to get eaten by a Tyrannosaur, and I half-expected the world to stop until my tooth could get sorted out, or at least pause long enough for me to get over the sheer vanity of knowing that my smile was broken.

“You broke my fucking tooth man,” I said, trying to impede my speech as much as possible to enforce the gravity of the situation upon my devil-may-care of a friend. Chris lifted his eyebrows and gave the expected “Holy shit…” though the sincerity of this was lost in the fact that he was always superb at giving the expected response. Todd barely gave me a look and commented that this kind of thing must really suck. They both looked concerned enough, for a minute, and then that was it. Todd went back to a recap of his story before the two of them ambled up the closest hillside to take in the view and toast more things with the champagne.

I knelt onto the asphalt in an effort to salvage any of the larger pieces of my tooth, not knowing this makes almost no difference to modern dentistry, and became increasingly frustrated by the cavalier attitude of my friends as well as the fact that little white bits of enamel are impossible to find on a pebble-strewn asphalt road in the middle of the night. I climbed up the incline after them.

I repeated my earlier statement with as much of my frustration and anger I could express, putting my body well into Todd’s personal space. He laughed with a shrug, with as little care as one could imagine, and offered me the bottle with a comment about how I probably needed that more than him. Chris’s laughter only spurred Todd on as I first took a drink and then attempted to clue Todd in to the damage he’d caused. Knowing that I was fighting an uphill battle, I did my best to at least get him to do the bare minimum and apologise. He didn’t seem to understand what it was that I was expecting of him. Or worse, he did and wouldn’t give it up.

The wide expanse of the Montana plains spread out before us, the clusters of lights indicating the various towns neighbouring our own. We settled for a minute and pointed out the names of those towns, feeling the somewhat chilling wind through our denim jackets, and the energy pulsed suddenly as I asked Todd to say that he was sorry. I’d been waiting, patiently I thought, and wanted to hear it now. I demanded it.

His response dumbfounded me, as he looked at my like I was crazy before telling me that he wasn’t at all sorry. The energy spiked through he and I and the next thing I knew Todd and I were yelling at each other while Chris struggled to stay physically in between the two of us. Chris did his best to try and explain that Todd didn’t think he should have to say “Sorry” because he didn’t mean to break my tooth. I did my best to explain how that isn’t how it works, and the energy ebbed. I found myself labouring for validating feedback from Todd, recalcitrant as ever, or even from Chris, who simply wanted the situation over by me shutting up. I grew beyond frustrated.

The energy suddenly peaked as I backed a few feet away and began to lecture from the top of my lungs about how incredibly flawed that thinking was and how that wasn’t what “Sorry” meant at all. I felt strong and invincible as I screamingly explained that I would teach Todd all about having a broken tooth by doing it myself. My fist cocked and his defensive stance told me that he not only wasn’t sorry, but was more than willing to defend himself against what I perceived as justice. This only made me more inclined to teach his ass a lesson. Like a wild animal I began to take the first of a few measured steps before I planned to launch myself at him.

It was in this moment that the energy changed, and I don’t even really know how it did so drastically. Maybe the realisation of two best friends that they shouldn’t be fighting drunkenly over what equates to poor communication, maybe it was just the sheer power of that night, maybe it was the power and innocence of what came wandering towards us from out of the night.

We heard her well before we saw her, cagily walking back along a fenceline and whimpering at us. It was more than just the magic of an animal in need at such a highly charged moment, it was the logical notion that anything domesticated way out there in the wild had to have travelled a very long way and was probably much more than just lost. We discussed the possibility of abandonment as we cautiously approached her in our assumption that it was just a dog making those noises.

I saw the porcupine quills before I saw her face, as they shone in the night like neon whiskers, and instantly figured out the reason for her incessant whimpering. I was more concerned with getting her through the fence without catching any of the quills than of what Chris first noticed and then Todd voiced. “Holy shit, that’s a coyote” he’d stated with gravity. As I crouched and reached my hand to her, I hesitated for a brief second before I figured that this new information didn’t really mean that much to me. Especially given that the animal had sought us out, and not the reverse.

We got her through the fence and scooped her up, all thoughts of violence forgotten as we collectively moved with care with our new friend in our arms. We carefully trekked across the field and down the hill to the Jeep, discussing our next move and eventually deciding on venturing into the nearest town to the only thing open, the 24-hour truck stop.

The wind cut through the holes in my jean jacket and stung my ears as I quietly rode in the truckbed on the way into town. I spoke to her the entire time, soothing her with my words and ensuring her that the pliers on my Swiss Army Knife were more than capable of removing the multiple causes of her distress. By the time we got to the truckstop we were all suitably calm and focussed. We parked under one of the giant lights and Chris and Todd made their way to the back of the kitchen to hopefully find some scraps of food to calm her.

One of the night cooks happened to be outside on a smoke break and asked the boys what they were up to. As the Jeep was parked on the far end of the parking lot, the obvious reason for their request of food scraps wasn’t clearly visible. The cook went inside and a waitress eventually leaned out of the back door, looked upon the dirty and unkempt youths, and handed a well-presented take-out box full of a ground beef hash of some sort with an apologetic, “Sorry it couldn’t be more…”

Only after the coyote had begun happily scarfing down the food did it finally sink in that they obviously thought that Todd and Chris were begging for food for themselves, and not some imagined wounded animal they’d happened upon. As I held her in my lap and watched her eat, I had to admit that the dinner looked pretty appetising and probably meant for human consumption. As if sensing what was to come, she suddenly stopped eating and looked tentatively at my hands and the tool they held.

There’s a trick to extracting porcupine quills from a dog’s muzzle, as the swelling can make it almost impossible to pull them straight out, and I convinced myself that it was my expertise at this trick, and not the amazing bravery of that small coyote, that kept her still and almost unflinching during the ordeal. It was only after roughly 12 of the 14 quills were pulled that she started to squirm, and some tender words quieted her right down.

Our drunken buzz quelled by adrenaline, and the rush of even that fading quickly, we headed back to Todd’s house, dropping Chris off at his crazy grandmother’s on the way. After applying a bit of antiseptic and getting her settled in a blanket-lined cardboard box, we decided that we were going to keep her. Our earlier differences, so all-consuming at the time, were now forgotten as we almost simultaneously both suggested what we name her. More for the road we found her on than our favourite Blues performer, we both grinned as we dubbed her “Joliet”.

Summer passed and school started, the coyote was accompanying us on our afterschool adventures most of the time, though she was increasingly spending more time in and out of Todd’s dad’s truck while he worked his various masonry jobs around the valley. Despite his cursing about “that goddam coyote” he’d taken quite a shine to her and was rarely seen without her. Her easy-going and bouncy demeanour clearly meant that she was tamed, though we never heard of any one having domesticated coyotes as pets despite spreading word that we’d found one on that deserted stretch of road. After a few months though, that didn’t matter, there was no way we would’ve given her up anyway.

The Fall brought football practice and homework, and the grainy texture to my now-repaired front tooth had just started to wear off when Todd approached me one day after football practice with what looked like his English homework in his hand. There was a gravity to the moment as he handed me his writing assignment and said “I want you to read this.”

If I counted the number of times in our life that Todd had ever been anything remotely resembling serious and mature, I could do it on one hand and have fingers left, it was that rare. This was clearly one of those moments, such that I withheld my usual smartass comment when I saw that he’d gotten an “A+” which I honestly thought teachers didn’t do any more. The assignment was to write a story from your life in which you learned a lesson.

Todd had titled his, “The Night I Learned to Say ‘Sorry’” and had written, in detail, about how he’d broken my tooth, how we’d almost fought, and had found our loving little companion. He wrote about how misguided he had been in his thoughts that “sorry” need only be said when there was intent in the actions and that you didn’t have to say “sorry” if you didn’t mean to hurt someone. He wrote about how he’d learned this lesson after nearly 18 years on this Earth. And he wrote it really well.

I’d honestly moved on from the whole thing quite some time before, and when I finished I did my best to hide the astonished look on my face as I faced his awaiting stare. I handed him the paper back as his serious face straightened, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I’m sorry”.

Years later, when Todd and I would have a few beers, a depending on who was around we would occasionally tell the story of the time that we almost had a fistfight, but not much more than that. When near a black light, or whenever it’s brought up, I’ll correct the assumption that my tooth suffered my love of hockey with the statement, “broke it on a bottle”. Further prompting, and a few more beers, and I’ll tell most of the story on my own, but I’ve never really told the whole story until just now.

Thanks for listening.

There are only a few kinds of poverty that seek to definitively sap your soul.  Surviving them will never leave you unscathed, and the scars left behind will instinctively flare up within seconds of noticing that the bank account has dipped below a certain level while after thumbing through a stack of bills.

I’m scarred now.  And it hurts.

The soothing balm of a promise of cash was short-lived, and in it’s place is a bitterness and numbness that seems to transcend the use of monetary devices of this common culture into a Utopian ideal.  As a self-defence mechanism, my mind seems to drift off into a world of make-believe, where we don’t need money to be happy and good times are still readily available regardless of our lack of funds.

My underlying demeanour may betray it, but my mood is a good one this morning as I dance back and forth from the countertop to the stove, a toddling bucket of curls clinging to my only stationary leg.  I whistle a nameless tune and eventually put lyrics to Beethoven’s Fifth that tell the story of the naughtiness contained in my small child.  She humours me with an emphatic, “Gah GAH!” and then smiles up at me while a piece of egg-soaked bread flops limply into the frying pan.  Breakfasts are my specialty.

Breakfast is also her least favourite meal, or at least the hardest to get her to eat.

I do what I can with the cheap white bread and our expansive spice rack, and even without butter (we’ve run out days ago) the French Toast turns out pretty good.  I’ve made some of it sweet, with sugar and some syrup, and some of it savoury, sprinkled with a dash of nutmeg and some tomato sauce, to cater to the two drastically different palates in our household.  I’m curious which the baby will prefer, as it took no fewer than 110 donuts and 13 eggnog banana milkshakes to keep her mother sated during the pregnancy, I assumed she’d have a sweet tooth.

Her mother may insist that the child has inherited her savoury tooth as she points out that her sweet preferences disappeared the instant the baby was born, but I find the child to be quite open to things such as chocolate and ice cream when offered.  Of course, if one followed her small body about her day they would find her real love is bits of fluff off of the floor, typically found in corners or under furniture.  She’ll quite happily chew a ball of dryer lint/random fuzz for as long as she can until you chase her down.  Her resistance holds out until her mouth is forced open and is then redoubled in an effort to not only keep possession of the fluff but to bite my finger as a lesson not to try again.  She’s quite resourceful.

My dance of the frying pan is given intermittent freedom while the toddlecurl discovers that I’ve accidentally left the pantry door open.  As I check out the burning smell that turns out to be the spiced-half of the bread reacting badly to the margarine I’m frying it in (ah butter, how I long for thee) I can hear assorted bottles being shoved aside and something plastic clattering across the slate floor.  I would worry that the perceived violence of the syrup bottle’s trip across the kitchen would indicate anger from the child, but she allays this with a squeal of delight and a loudly exhorted, “DaDAH… gah GAH!  BAHBAH!”  I take this to mean that she is telling me how pleased she is of her actions towards the syrup bottle.

I respond with something dry and sarcastic, and she repeats the same sentence as if to chastise me for not taking her seriously.  I reply again with sarcasm, but feign apology as well, to which she plods the length of our 8-foot kitchen and yellingly smashes her face into my jeans.  As I finish conducting my orchestra of slathering, spicing, flipping and syruping, I realise that I would have preferred her causing mischief in the pantry for a bit longer as I would have been able to finalise breakfast preparations unhindered by the squealing naughtiness gripping both of my legs and talking to the hole above my right knee of my jeans.

Breakfast is served.  My wife, never really being much of a morning eater, dutifully trudges her way through a piece of French Toast before handing it over to me so that I can swap out the sweet half of the baby’s portion for the savoury and gauge scientifically the results.  As I stir the oatmeal banana mush that I’ve prepared as a standby in the event of total French Toast Failure, I notice that the mass of lovely curls, that had mushed peas in them only last night, now have syrup in them as well.  She appears to enjoy playing with her breakfast more than eating it.  I divide a few pieces of the savoury French Toast and leave them on her tray rather surreptitiously for fear that she’ll rebel against things that I actually want her to eat, and throw them onto the floor for pure indignance.  Some days, this one can be a real shit.

My attention turns from my own breakfast and the further stirring of the oatmeal concoction in time to see my child happily taking huge bites from a wad of bread in either fist.  With balled-up syrup-covered fists on the ends of her spread arms, she looks as if she is challenging the World to provide something tastier to her, for what she’s holding would sure be hard to beat.  She’s already eaten most of her mother’s uneaten breakfast.  Just to muck with her a bit, I throw some eggs right in the middle of her tray.  I’d fried up the leftover egg batter in the used cooking bits left in the pan, giving it a horribly grey colour that I prefer to think of as “seasoned to taste”.

As her thumbs become paintbrushes and the slightly runny and oddly coloured eggs become the paint, the canvas that is the tray of her high chair transforms into a masterpiece, complete with a collage of texture and flavour.  “Less is More” she seems to believe, as she very purposely removes some of the leftover sweet toast with her fingers and then places it under her tray on the seat by her legs.  I’m surprised to see such a deliberate act of removal when she is busy with wanton creation, but she’s always been a bit meticulous, and I will undoubtedly find at least half of her breakfast under her butt when I eventually lift her out of her chair.

With her creative juices flowing freely and her eating slowed significantly, I finally employ the use of the oatmeal mush.  I get a few spoonfuls in before she concedes that her artwork may have to wait until after mealtime and decides to eat a bit more.  As is her way though, her concessions are ever on her own terms, and she purses her lips and slaps at the spoon on it’s third trip in.  I back it out and try again, only to be met with a shaking head and flailing arms.  It’s becoming fairly evident to me that she may not be interested in my mushed backup plan.

Now I concede. She watches me put the spoon back into the small bowl before flinging her arms out across her painted tray, grabbing a handful of egg and toast, and shoving it gluttonously into her face.  Her actions of hearty independence appear to be telling me that she may not enjoy the eggs and French Toast so much as dislike the mush and/or the idea of me feeding it to her.  She almost giggles as she grabs a piece of egg-smeared crust and begins munching on it with fervour.

As I lean across the table and put my head in my hand, I realise how much fun she is.  Not just to interact with, as I have been, but also just to watch, as I am now.  So much of who she is going to be, is here already, and so much of who she is, is just wonderful.  It boggles my mind to think that I have such an impact on this small person’s life, and therefore the rest of the World.

It is then that I realise that I haven’t been thinking about the rest of the World for at least an hour and a half, a new record for this stressful week I’m fairly sure, and I am once again humbled by the power that my child has over me.

Go away for a while World, I’m feeding my child.

———————————-

The skychair and hammock swing quietly in the breeze outside my office window. There’s something about the abundance of greenery as a backdrop that makes them look like lazy day companions instead of lonely objects awaiting a friendly bottom to swing on them. It could also be the dangle of cheap Christmas lights that I’ve strung haphazardly around the patio roof. The fact that they are still on during midmorning tells me, once again, that I should’ve probably spent the extra $3 on a timer from the hardware store.

While this room is smallish and a nice greyish-blue it’s obvious that a teen-turned-adult, who was unafraid of the possible marring of plaster and paint by his daily lifestyle, was the previous inhabitant. The various attempts at covering up or even repairing any of the blemishes are few, and border so closely on pathetic as to be almost insulting. That is, until I remember what I was like in my younger years and my feelings towards the smears of filler putty instantly become somewhat sentimental. I’m comfortable in here.

The crappy-looking and dirty foldable white table, left over in the shed because of its looks most likely, has been cleaned up a little and is holding my sewing machine and assorted bits. A small television sits on an old Ikea drawer setup from an old life of my brother-in-law’s, when he was into purchasing spendy items in the hopes that $65 underwear would land him the perfect guy. The wardrobe would probably overpower the room with it’s immensity were not for it’s complimentary colours and cluttered floor. My armour stands stoically next to the sewing table, a mishmash of different style wear has been hung off the dressmaker’s mannequin with the idea that these items are either the least likely to fall off or in the most need of airing. They’ve turned the 1950’s-esque womanly shape into a powerful and sharp looking Dark Ages Romano-Celtic Norman peasant who’s rapidly ascended into royalty. Thoughts like that and the humour that I find in them that remind me why I’m in such a nerd-filled club.

My desk is small and blue, and I’ve got the top filled with toys. Any desk that I’ve had over the years has been this way and I’ve always had a deep need to treat myself to the toys that I missed out on as a kid. It’s only when I have a child, or the baby, on my lap that I am truly reminded that these are in fact, toys, and may not have been designed with someone like me predominantly in mind.

The wonder and intricacies of transforming from a muscle car to a robot are lost on the small impish one, who sees only what colours and textures would be best in her mouth. She tells me about them though, each and every one, with her little squeaky voice and a pointed index finger. A very serious look comes across her face when relating new knowledge of something interesting-looking.

“Doo!” she’ll say with something dangerously close to a scowl. The scowl then lifts as she meets my eyes and her face breaks slightly with a small smile, she seems to take enjoyment not from the gaining of this knowledge but of the sharing it with me. “Gah!” gets emphatically shoved into my face. We’re here together and it is a good thing.

As my eyes cast about the room in an effort to somehow capture more than just my idiosyncrasies, I see a cricket set, half-finished leather re-enactor projects, giant William Wallace claymore sword, and a 5-year olds Snow White dress in need of zipper repair. It becomes readily apparent to me that this kind of random and somewhat eclectic thing is all that’s really allowed in this room.

That’s probably why it’s mine.

If bills are piling up and I’ve got sick kids home from school and I’m wondering for the fifth time that day when I’m finally going to get a chance to sit down and write instead of working until I collapse into bed.

Well, that’s when I put on my hat, and the world changes.

———————————-

I’ve got this hat. To be honest, it’s the hat I’ve always wanted. When watching the old Rawhide reruns on Nickleodeon on my Dad’s then-girlfriend-now-wife’s floor as a youngster and seeing Clint Eastwood as Rowdy Yates and then in later years in his Spaghetti Westerns, he was wearing pretty much this kind of hat. Similar to Kleenex and Band-Aid becoming common names instead of brand names, this style is known as Akubra here in Oz.

I bought a knock-off version of an Akubra because of its coolness and foldability quite a while ago and sent it to Steamboat for my friend Willis’s wedding/Christmas/too-late-for-any-occasion-so-here, and was slightly jealous. I knew he’d love it, because I loved it, but it was hard to let it go.Now, I’ve finally got my hat.

It was probably only a day or so after I’d quit working full time, and we were staring very honestly at a decent sized money drought when Wife urged me to say “hell with it” and make the purchase. We were just killing time before picking up the kids after they’re visitations with The Others, and wandering through the touristy shops on the boat harbour, when I saw it.

It called out to me so strongly that I almost ran to it for fear that someone else would step in moments before I got there and decide that they were going to have an impulse buy instead of me. Like some slow-motion movie moment where you can see the humour in the situation but still secretly want to hug the hero, I lunged almost frantically towards it.

Satisfied that I was the first to the hat, I pulled it off the rack and checked the size. Yep, my size. Then I put it on. It fit, and I fell in love. Wife’s jaw dropped and she could only muster some gasps and grunts as she pulled me in front of the mirror. I thought I looked quite alright, and said so out loud, while my wife continued to look at me as if she were about to romance-novel me right there in the store.

So I bought it, and though they probably charged me twice what they should have, I would have paid twice what they asked.

In the weeks following the quitting of my job and my removal from the Rat Race, the hat became a symbol. It was more significant to my life than just having something cool that I always wanted, it was a symbol of my dreams. Wearing it meant that I was doing my own thing and was bound no longer, either monetarily, emotionally, or even physically, to the Man.

I was Free.

I have naturally curly hair and it’s getting quite long. The hat hides its bird’s nestiness in the mornings when I take the kids to school. Even though it flattens out my hair down into my eyes when worn straight after a shower, none of this matters to me. I am my own man in my own favourite hat, and I will give no more of my self and my life for someone else’s capitalistic gains again.

I’m on my own and loving it, and if I go down, at least I’ll go down with my hat on.

———————————-

I enjoy reading the local paper if for no other reason than the Real Estate section. Much the same as the toy catalogues of my youth, I flip through and look at the things that I can’t currently possibly afford right along with the things that I’ll never be able to possibly afford, and quite honestly don’t want to. I pretend that I’m doing it because I’m all grown up now and have some working knowledge of the housing market and the likelihood and amount of a bank loan and subsequent mortgage.

Not that I don’t know about these things, but really I’m just dreaming. I used to not want to look at the nice houses, as their price tags only hurt my feelings, and I will ever seek to shield myself from things that hurt my feelings. Again, just like those toy catalogues, I was afraid to look at the big ticket items and dream of owning them.

When enough of the things in your life don’t turn out the way that you figure they should, you become afraid to actually wish for something, because there doesn’t seem to be any way that shit will fly. You learn to take the good things and be thankful for them without inviting further pain, because life will throw enough heartache in your direction without you out there actively seeking it.

Naturally, now that I’m all grown up and all, I don’t prescribe to this theory anymore because adults know better, don’t they?

It took an easing up from the shit of life for a bit for me to actually start applying my dreams to my life. The Real Estate section was my first step. I peruse, I grade and I judge, I price and compare and I consider many of them a viable investment while still others have the potential to be the “end game” house.

My sister-in-law does the same. She and her husband are ever in search of their “end game” house, and while they did indeed coin the phrase and share many of our identical desires and criteria, they are also far, far more capable of purchasing such a thing. It’s actually within their grasp. Regardless of financial capability, it feels nice to discuss features and prices and, for my part at least, pretend and even dream.

Someday, maybe not someday soon, but someday at least, we won’t have to pretend anymore.

———————————-

While we were driving up the Brookton Valley to Araluen for Anzac Day, I was noticing the “For Sale” signs and thinking that my sister-in-law probably was too. After enjoying a fabulous day, playing cricket with the kids, eating hot chicken sandwiches, and absorbing the intrinsic beauty that nature and her gardens offer, we drove back down the valley and I thought about what it would mean to live there and have all of that in my own back yard.

There’s a property up there that’s about 12 acres, complete with paddocks and a 3+1 house, and I’m thinking that though the house must be complete shit, thereby making the low price make sense, it probably couldn’t be bad enough for me to NOT want that kind of spread with living accommodations on it. This is where the market isn’t though, as folks don’t want anything that isn’t posh if they’re going to live in the country. No one seems willing to leave their sweet city digs if they can’t be sittin’ just as sweet in the country.

I was born in the country and it’s where I’m meant to be, I care far less about the state of my house as I do with the state of my Nature. I want trees, lots of them, and at least a horse or two, all the dogs I can fit and the wife wants a yard full of chickens.

I want to drive a truck, even a beater, down a dirt lane and up to my house and shop, where I can chop, weld, sand, sculpt, and build to my heart’s content. I want to saddle up my trusty steed and take a wander down to the spring, where we’ll both have a drink and sit and listen to the lack aircraft overhead.

I want to stand in front of my grill, wielding my cooking instruments like a medieval swordsman, drinking a beer and conversing with my wife and kids situated around our oversized kitchen just inside the door. I want those kids to be able to disappear for hours, unhindered by time and fences, and learn as much as they can about the best parts of this world we live in.

I want our favourite evening program to be the sunset and I want Acts of Creation to be just as important as anything else Societally Utilitarian, like grades.

I want to write, paint, sing, and play every day, and I never want to worry about how I’m going to pay the bills again.

I want to look out over my domain and smile with satisfaction.

Someday… I will.

And I’ll be wearing my hat.

Doesn’t matter. It just needed out. I’ve read great words and thoughts from great writers, and I’ve seen and heard interviews where they’ve imparted small bits of wisdom, passed on some of their techniques and advice on how to use what can be considered talent. The best and most consistent advice that I’ve ever heard was the simplest as well.

Write. Just write.

I get that a lot, that urge to write. While it’s usually an urge to actually create something, writing satisfies it in a way that few other things can. Drawings have a way of never feeling completed and tend to take too long for my taste. Building or making something is nice, but strangely dissatisfactory when I’ve finished, and cleaning is, well, cleaning. A productive use of my time that does nothing for my soul.

The day I realised that I was a writer was when I felt that I’d done something to make my soul feel better. It’s cathartic, to say the least.

Something that a writer needs, other than the urge to write, is somewhere to write. A place that they can not only sit and let their thoughts create a story, or at least a pattern, but somewhere to put it when they’re done.

I haven’t had a place like that for a while. Sure I’ve got my little corner of the house, a hidey-hole where I can sort of shut out the World. Saving stuff down as Word documents in a folder called “writing” isn’t working for me anymore. There are lots of things that aren’t working for me anymore.

I’ve built this blog into something that I suppose I had intended it to be originally, yet no longer have a use for. It was fun to write things that made me laugh, that made me feel, that made me think that others out there should share in this. The feedback I received was overwhelming to the point of life-changing.

I’d gone out looking for something, I suppose, and I found it in spades. Suddenly my sense of purpose with this… writing place, was less clear. It’s an understatement to say that I’d lost my focus, and this finally made sense when I applied some hindsight and saw what it was that I was doing with my writing, with my blogging. I’d found what I was looking for and, once I found it, didn’t know what to do after that.

I’ve purposely kept my real life quite separate from this blog, and have had to find ways to help build my ever-expanding online presence without using this site and it’s juice, so to speak. There’s only so much that you can hide though, from the online world, and only so much that paranoia can protect you from. There comes a time that you realise that they’re not actually all coming to get you, and you don’t really have to worry about how much they know about you.

Like my old man used to sometimes say, “If you’ve been good, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Don’t know if I’ve necessarily been good, but for whatever I have been I make no real apologies, for whoever it is that I am today has been built upon that, and I reckon I’m pretty pleased with who I am today.

So, as the finely sliced division between my original online persona and my actual online self starts to fade away, I realise that I’m going to let it. I’m not going to purposely bring the two crashing together, or even push the issue, I’m just not going to be as fervent at keeping them separate and distinct. Part of that means putting some parts of me out there that I normally wouldn’t share with this audience that I’ve built over the years.

Part of that means accepting that people are, just like me, multi-faceted, and don’t necessarily have to have things the same as they’ve always been just because they’ve always been that way.

My name is Judd, and I’m a writer. I’m 33 and married to an amazing woman that read this site one day and started an unbelievable string of events. She had two kids before meeting me, they’re mine now, though the law and some crappy people disagree. We’ve made a kid of our own, and her level of awesomeness is higher at 12 months than most people ever get to in their whole lives.

About a year ago, I quit my job. I quit my job for no real reason other than I was sick of working for someone else. I was tired of putting up with great quantities of shit just so somebody else could benefit from my energy and efforts. I started my own business doing web consulting and web marketing and am writing as much as I can in my spare time under the misguided notion that I’ll someday have enough material for a book that more than 12 people will want not only want to read but pay to do so.

I’ve been needing a place to put the stuff that I’ve been writing, meant for a book or not, and I’m going to put it here.

I hope you like it.

I wasn’t sure it would fly with the Wife though, so I went in thinking that there was a solid likelihood that it wouldn’t happen, as there just isn’t enough space on our property, too much work, it’ll eat up all my “projecty” time, etc. I was prepared for any of these, so my heart pretty much leapt when she got as excited as I did and said something along the lines of, “Now we can tour the coast all Grey Nomad style!”

Even though I’m not ready to retire yet, we were stoked, and I towed the rotting and rusted hulk of mildew-smelling canvas home. It hadn’t been treated with the tenderest care of the past few years and, even though it was free to begin with, my ears immediately drowned out the excited cries of my children with the cha-chinging of a cash register.

Despite the cash needed to simply raise the beast’s societal rating from slightly above Gut-Churning Eyesore to Functional-Yet-WhyWouldYouDoThat, there was a buttload of manual labour involved too, and my back, knees, shoulders, even my upper spleen, were all crying out for a long holiday by the time the hulking monstrosity was ready for any attempt at accommodation.

Plus, it still smelled really bad.

Backbreaking efforts, combined with raw pains in the ass, combined with an almost militaristic strategic plan, had us ready to hit the road first thing on a Friday morning. Food was loaded, beds were made, we’d even fashioned a keep-baby-in area, and the kids had tested the structural integrity of every square inch of the inside through vigorous Climb-On-Bloody-Everything-While-Yelling tests.

As the sun set on the day, I sipped my beer and revelled in the idea that not more than a month ago, somebody said, “Hey, want a free caravan?” and I said, “That’s a real hunk of shit isn’t it?

I thought about when Wife were still in the midst of trying to pull off Christmas Miracles and, being armed with this weapon of relaxation, we felt compelled to plan a date and take that bad boy a-motorin. It was almost as if we simply had to by virtue of the fact that we were in possession of this… thing.

Morning came, kids happily and wonderfully chipped in with whatever task I could set them to, loading such necessities as the baby’s favourite toy, Giraffalopolous, and Jackie Chan DVDs (I told ‘em that the laptop could function as entertainment in the car ONLY as the 3-hour drive was quite daunting). Wife and I prepped children and each other, and we rolled out of the driveway.

32 feet later, I realised that when I bought a new jockey wheel (that little fella in the front of trailers that you can wind down and push the gooseneck up off your hitch with and then roll the trailer around) I had installed it according to where the old one had been. Since I am known for getting the cheapest item I can find and “making it work” I had missed the fact that two different sized wheels shouldn’t be installed in exactly the same way. I was alerted to this fact by the clunking and grinding noises, and by the fact that the entire car was shaking like an old dog shitting a peach pit.

One minute later, a wrench, a few curious yet forgiving neighbours cruising by, some cursing and then a smile, and we were on our way. Our jockey wheel’s pride was stinging a bit, not being able to show off as the only shiny new thing on the entire outside of the caravan any more, but he was game. We smoothly made our way to Nanny and Poppy’s to drop off the dog. Wife’s mum tends to overdo things a bit, but her intentions are good. She hooked us up with some interestingly well-suited cookware and we were off.

8 feet later, with the help of my father-in-law, we realised that none of the lights or signals were working. Driving may be a bit more of an adventure than we’d planned if we can’t actually tell others which way we’re turning, or that we’re stopping and that they may not wish to blend their car with our gigantic ass-end in an instantaneous fashion.

2 hours later, we were going to bop to the auto parts store and fork out some of the Holiday Cash on tail lights and indicators, when Poppy goes to turn the key in the ignition and says, “Hey!You can use those!” pointing to his dilapidated old 2-wheel trailer’s set of ugly, yet functional, lights.

1 hour later, slightly gunky from rotted worms that were once electric wires, and we were on our way for real.

Our destination was Jurien Bay, ~200 km North of Perth on the coast, and despite that there’s a highway about 30 km off the coast that goes straight there, we wanted to follow the coastline up, a la Route 66, and scout out some of the touristy hotspots.

This is WA though, and nothing ever seems to be as I expect it should be in my rational and logical little mind, so even the “coastal” route wasn’t really on the coast, and the multiple turnoffs for the beachside towns were too far for us to determine if those spots were indeed hot. By the time we reached Lancelin and went all the way into the town for gas and some directions (uh yeah, I managed to leave the map at home), we found out that there actually is no road that follows the coast between Lancelin and Jurien.

“You’ll hafta head back out past the construction and make for the Highway” I was told. After I asked if they sold maps, I was presented with a photocopied and hand-drawn sketch of the area with the twists and shimmies that would get me North in the most expeditious fashion.

“So, after the construction eh?”

“Yep, then onto KV and then Sappers, Orange Grove, SomeOtherRoad, MoreTurns, and then RULostYet. ”

“Sheezus. I don’t suppose ‘the construction’ is for a road that actually connects us is it?”

A shrug and an empty-gazed smile told me that the bit of scrap paper was as good as it was going to get.

The kids were road-weary, the trailer was heavy, everyone including the car was tired, and my stress levels were rising as fast as I could witness the gas gauge dropping as Ex-mobile laboured with our portable house.

We rolled into Jurien ~6 minutes before the caravan park closed and checked in. The assurance that I was being given a prime spot was just short of a wink and a nudge, and I felt like we were getting a bit of a hookup, even if I had no idea what a “Bouncy Pillow” was. The children left little cartoon clouds of vapour the second we’d pulled to a stop, leading me to believe that at least they knew what it was.

Happily clambering about and setting up our bulky, awkward, and somewhat ridiculous-looking caravan, I realised that we’d paid for a site with electricity, yet I had… wait for it… forgot the extension cord. A quick trip to the IGA, ~6 minutes before THEY closed, a stop at the liquor store for something to wash away 3 and a half hours in our car, and we were all set to spend the night soothed by the easy sounds of late 70’s/early 80’s bogantastic rock from our neighbours and the intermittent screeching of yet another child bullied and bounced off of the infamous “Bouncy Pillow” (our boy made 3 trips to the caravan with reports of unfairness before I wandered over, flexed, and stated my preferences for his safety loudly and Americanly to several of the 20-odd children there).

4 hours later, it’s just past midnight and we (Wife and I) are awakened by the whoop-whooping of some happy-go-lucky teens, out for a late evening stroll and surely not up to trouble. At all.

3 hours later, in the wee hours of the AM, and our cleverly-dubbed “Magic Ship” has apparently hit some choppy waves. To keep worries down and excitement up, Wife has told the children that we’re setting sail at bedtime and will wake up somewhere after an exciting, if not bumpy, sleep-filled ride. Her promise did not disappoint, and the coastal winds have certainly made me feel like a genuine pirate alright.

2 and three-quarter hours later, and the poorly-compressioned V8 engine cranks to life, needing only constant revving and grinding gear changes to stay in idle. It stops, and in it’s place is a conversation between two gravelly inconsiderate men regarding certain personality traits of a mutual acquaintance. Not one for rash behaviour, I stayed in bed and simply fumed sleepily with Wife. The clincher, as it seems to be with me, is when the kids and the baby stir.

I popped my head out of the caravan like it was an audition for the show about meerkats on Channel Ten, with a terse and pointed, “You fellas gonna be long?”

If you’ll allow yourself to follow your instincts at this moment, then when I describe the fat and aging angler, you’ll see him perfectly as you have 100 times before. Balding, with the remaining more-salt-than-pepper hair close-cropped, thick glasses mounted on a bulging and veiny nose, ruddy and sunburned neck disappearing under a polo shirt embroidered with either a fishing company’s logo, HIS company’s logo, or the tavern where he plays darts, drinks too much, and thinks the waitress is adroitly hiding her secret and burning passion for him. Mount this on a distended belly that only beer can create, twist on a pair of khaki shorts, and plug in a couple of whitened and wiry sticklegs, fit for carrying this swollen caricature around.

There you go, you’ve got it. Multiply it by two, add a touch of facial hair and a hat, and subtract about 15 pounds and some shoulders, and you’ve got a couple of fellas that couldn’t have looked more matter-of-fact about disturbing me than if I had just been hit by their retardedly combusting bushbasher of a truck while standing in the middle of the road.

The intensity of my gaze lent seriousness to the situation, and they were cautious when the said, “Wazzat?”

“Oh,” I began again ever-so-politely, “I was just wondering how long you’re going to be, out here, so I can plan my day accordingly. ”

The matter-of-factness circles their heads until they almost become puzzled when the fat one says to me, “It’s quarter of mate, all the boats are going out. “The latter half of his sentence was lilted towards the condescending end of the spectrum.

I mean, how could I NOT know that the boats went out at 5:45 AM?

“Okay super,” the bite in my voice was back in force, “well I’ve got two kids and a baby here trying to sleep. Should I just get ‘em up now?”I delivered this last bit quite sincerely, as if quarter-of-six boat-leavers were just part of The Experience, and I wouldn’t want to deprive my children of a second of it.

“No, no, mate, you’re alright!” he said, almost relieved that I wasn’t going to make too much of a fuss.

I nodded vigorously, gave him a hearty thumbs up (nearly swapping one digit for another, more convenient, one) and shut the door. Wife grumbled a bit about “fishing azzholes” and told me that I’d handled the situation well, if not bitingly smartassedly, and the fact that I can be quite imposing was a real turn-on, which was exactly what I needed to hear.

My undoubtedly subtle message was apparently received, and it was somehow managed that the boat was hooked up and hauled away without another word of conversation. Interestingly enough, even the shoddy V8 revving was slightly subdued.

12 minutes later, in one of those instances that leads you to believe that you just aren’t going to catch a break, the instant “the boats” left the seagulls came. The warm streaks in the sky, signalling dawn of a spectacular new day, were apparently too much for these majestic creatures to behold. They simply had to squawk about it. Loudly.

1 hour later, by the time that the morning activities were cleared to begin for all, or maybe possibly an hour before they were cleared, they began. Things like sleep and food were once again secondary for our 5 and nearly 7 year olds, for the Bouncy Pillow beckoned. Things like sleep and quiet were mere ghosts in our small world, and a slightly scowly baby and a giant cup of coffee were the new realities.

By the time we’d packed it all back up, chastised the ADD 5-year old for constantly wandering away and into strangers camping areas, released the excess pressure from our oldest’s Yippee Valve, and bid goodbye to the whitest trashiest of our neighbours, we were seriously looking forward to the beach.

While checking out, I contemplated how much to divulge about our nocturnal disturbances to the desk staff, instead deciding to simply keep my opinions to myself and rant about later. Here. On Teh Intraweb. Where I can tell everyone our experience with the Jurien Bay Caravan Park*.

*Watch out for how long it takes me to hit #3 in Google for that phrase. Hey, it’s what I DO fora living.

40 feet later, we’d reached the beachside carpark and docked our hideous beast, ready to venture out into what promised to be the first of many picturesque and idyllic beaches. After our rough night and our limited time to enjoy Jurien Bay before heading south to the Pinnacles, we had figured that we wouldn’t need more than a brief “fix” of the white sandy beach there, as there were surely a plethora more awaiting us.

As it turns out…

We were wrong.

It’s called two birds with one update bitches, and there’s pictures over there.  Feel special.

While this can describe any number of things that one may possibly see on their respective local news in their respective cities and countries, I’m referring to the nationally-televised morning show that had a story about how a Kindergarten was going to ban bullying by children in Superhero clothing as they have a tendency to beat up their classmates.

I can’t even begin to find all of the things wrong with this, so I’ll simply focus on one point that I’d like to make, and then I’ll go back to my scrambled eggs and this-looks-important-to-you-so-I’ll-put-it-in-my-sloppy-mouth baby daughter.

Making someone else’s asshole kid stop punching my kid isn’t done by stopping them from pretending to be superheroes, giving them less sugar, or having them play less competitive games so they can all feel better about themselves.

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point parents started making concerted efforts to stop bullies from bullying. This may sound noble enough, but it begs the question: Didn’t we ALL get bullied to some extent or another? Did our parents stop it every time?

Stopping a bully from bullying is done in only a few ways…

Either standing up for yourself or running the fuck away.

And that’s what I’ll be teaching my kids. None of this special and unique snowflake bullshit. My son talks about some kids in school and says that they pick on him, so I ask him if he knows why. If he does, I ask him if it’s worth changing who he is to keep from getting picked on. If it isn’t, then I tell him that he’s going to get used to getting smacked in the mouth for a bit, and he’ll have to settle for the knowledge that he’s the bigger and better person in the long run.

If he doesn’t know why he’s getting picked on, then I tell him to tell those kids that they’re being assholes, and that they should cease and desist if they don’t want to be widely considered as afflicted with assholitis.

You bet your ass I tell him almost exactly that too, that way he knows I’m serious. That kind of castigation threat works too, because no matter what age they are, a bully is ALWAYS concerned with everyone else’s opinion of them. If they weren’t concerned, they wouldn’t pick on others. Unless they’re pure Evil, but that’s a different concern altogether, as once you start measuring a kid’s potential in kilonazis, he’s pretty much irretrievably fucked.

If my boy gets hit, he is instructed to weigh the situation and react accordingly. “Tell a teacher” is the stalwart, but isn’t always terribly realistic and I know this. “Hit back” or “run away” are really the only two immediate options, and while getting “hit” in the first place isn’t limited to being a physical action, neither are the two possible reactions. Biting commentary has gotten me out of far more drunken bar violence than my fists ever have. So has biting for that matter.

I’m raising the kind of people that don’t attract the level of aggression it would take for me to step in and fix the situation for them. If they can’t handle it on their own, then they’re doing something stupid and not what I’ve taught them. To the best of my limited abilities, I’m teaching them not to be stupid. Those that know me know this is NOT exactly by example either.

At the risk of sounding ridiculously back-in-my-dayish, I don’t remember a whole lot of protection for the victim when I was a kid. Sadly enough, I don’t even really remember when all this horseshit about stopping bullies got started either.

I’m thinking that I was probably part of the last generation to ever get beaned in the face during dodgeball, get a Nuclear Wedgie, a Swirly, and stuffed in a locker. It’s almost as if all of people in my generation that grew up and became teachers and legislators and lawyers, as well as Parents, decided that they hated that shit and it ruined their life (or at least that’s what their $250 an hour shrink told ‘em) and they were going to put a stop to it.

Did I want it stopped? At the time, you bet your ass. But I couldn’t stop it, and my parents wouldn’t, so I put up with it. I got busted in the mouth and I took it, and I grew and I learned and I toughened the fuck up.

It can be packaged to look like I was simply biding my time until I was able to mete out similar punishment in a misguided attempt to garner some payback, but I was different. I still wanted the opportunity, absolutely, but I wanted to be the one that chose not to actually go through with the “crippling” part of the Nipple Crippler. I wanted to show how much better I was than those meaty-craniumed smarmy-faced hormonkeys. I wanted my chance to show my benevolence, and in doing so prove myself better than the fuckwits before me. I wanted my chance to make the World a better place.

And I didn’t get one. I missed my chance to be as rotten or merciful as I wanted. The choice for me to be either was taken away by Soccerbitches who think that hiding little MackenzieDakotaMontana under a mound of Xbox games, Coke and Oreos is the answer to keep the other kids from calling her “fatty fatty two by four who can’t fit through the kitchen door”.

The rules changed and someone decided to fight back a little too late, via the wrong adolescent.

Nerdly McGeekington comes to Principal PretendsToCare absolutely livid because little Twigtastic WheresMyPuffer got his glasses broken when Tuffy O’ShitForParents drilled him in the kisser during the Weed Out the Pussies Round of the Dodgeball Tournament, and the possible solutions to this are:

A) Ban yet another activity that *gasp* separates the physically strong and able from the rest, thereby reducing the risk that kids can hurt each others feelers.

B) Encourage Twiggy to put his only real weapon to work and hatch a fiendishly intelligent plot of humiliating and public revenge while taping his glasses back together.

C) Make ‘em all wear little pink tutus, only go all Harrison Bergeron on ‘em and make some of the tutus pinker and more gay the tougher the kid is.

I think it’s pretty evident which selection I endorse, and I truly believe it’s made the World a better place.

Without the ritualistic beating of a nerd, we wouldn’t have Microsoft (whose societal value is still in question but I enjoy nonetheless), Teh Intraweb (and all that pr0n), PC Loadletter (best battle cry for smashing electronic equipment EVER), Doom, Madden ’96, Toy Story and Shrek, Transformers, microscopic girl’s dorm cams, and phones that are so fucking futurtastic that they not only play the latest music, highlights from the footy, take frameable pictures and screenable videos, but can tell us when we need to drop a deuce.

We really should thank the nerds more. Go on, go hug a nerd right now.

And by “hug” I mean, “grasp and pull the elastic waistband of their undergarments with such force as to cause discomfort and pain to their genitalia and/or rectum”.

What’s that? What about the bullies? Well the World needs them too. Bullies are the foundation of the White Trash segment of our society as well as some of our best law enforcers, lawmakers, and legislators.

Without good and proper assholes doling out youthful undergarment punishment, we wouldn’t be able to sue for millions of dollars after burning our genitalia with boiling refreshments, we’d pay thousands more per gallon of fuel, we wouldn’t have a venue in which to drink pisswaterbeer and scream ourselves hoarse at gladiatoresque sweatdemons, and what would we call our favourite all-rounder in upper body clothing? White singlets? Thin white tanktops? Sleeveless undershirts?

No. It’s a wifebeater, and everybody knows that.

If that first bully, wearing one of those multipurpose masterpieces, didn’t loudly and proudly proclaim his household dominance with his drunken fists, we’d have no clever name for them. And then, dare I say it, they might not even be as equally popular with Rock Stars, skateboarding punks and lesbians.

So, raise your kids up right. If you were a pussy, then coddle and swaddle and grow yourself some quality dominance-establishing fodder. Who else is to teach us how to passive-aggressively change the World while making billions?

If you were an asshole, then by all rights raise yet another asshole. It’s not like anyone could ever envision a world without them, and besides, whatever would become of the Wars over Oil and Pro Wrestling?

While my kids aren’t going to sit in a field and toke their way to self-enlightenment while centering their shakras or shakraing their centers, they certainly aren’t going to step on anybody’s fucking face to further their own worthless asses either.

They’re going to get where they’re at in Life, to that wonderful place I’m in with all of the wonderful things in it, the same way that I did…

Blind Luck.

Go get ‘em Tiger!

Sometimes all it takes is for me to wear my Harley boots around for an extra hour a day, after I’ve scuffed the polish off ‘em of course, but sometimes I have to partake in the spectating of large sporting events while brandishing a stubbie and shouting nonsensically at the tiny referee people on the television.

It’s not the chick flicks or the baking or the sewing and shit that sets things off either, it seems to be a combination of sorts. When I start out the week in an apron and hairnet, making pikelets (little pancakes, I just learned this) as a volunteer at the school canteen, I’m not swinging myself about in the manliest manner, motorcycle boots or no. I realise this.

Compound this with the fact that, when the children’s eager faces are filling out their lunch orders from the menu above their heads and most are casting the most curious of glances at me, I’m singing along with the radio and the lovely Pink and something about how “saying goodbye will make her wanna miss me.”

LunchLadyDoris sees the children’s interest and gives me a wry smile while explaining to me that everything is cool with me and the kids, it’s just that they’ve never seen a man in the canteen before.

“Why, did the other dudes just volunteer off-hours or only stack shelves or somethin’?” I ask innocently.

Her smile widens into a grimace that suggests that laughter is barely being kept at bay. Her eyes soften into an almost mothering stare as she explains, “No Judd, they haven’t seen a man in here because there haven’t been any other ‘dudes’ volunteering in the kitchen before.”

I barely shake that one off before I’m shootin’ the shit with the girls about our kids and our respective partners and I let out that Wife has crinked her neck again and when I get home I’ll be giving her neck and shoulders a rub to aid her against yet another round of heckling and being called “Frank”, “Frankie”, “Franz” or any derivation of the monster “Frankenstein” which she most resembles when in that state.

The “oohing”, pretend swooning, and teasing is only partially allayed by my admission that I’M always the one heckling her and that I find it achingly funny, but bouncing back is never that easy.

I follow that kind of day up with one filled with such testosterone-laden activities as vacuuming and dishes after earning my keep playing with a baby while earning my keep on this here Intraweb. Wife won’t let me near the laundry and usually mutters something about stains and how Barbie has enough of a wardrobe already while shooing me away from the machine.

The end of the week is highlighted by a Midwinter’s Banquet with the medieval re-enactment troupe that in-law’s BatGirl and Doc got us involved in*.

*Geekiliciously Dorktastic or not, I’ve wanted to be King Codpiece the Skullsplitting Viking Celt of Wales since I was about 7, and I’m sticking to that as the reason that I joined. Making the clothing and armour and shit was only secondary. Seriously. I mean, c’mon. Swordfighting. With Swords. REAL Swords. REALLY hitting each other. Anything with as much bruising as ice hockey can’t be that dorky. I don’t walk around calling anybody “m’lady” n’ shit either, I’m there to split some fuckin’ skulls.

The only thing about the banquet is to come in a costume with a Tudor theme. Before I wondered out loud about how we’re supposed to dress as those little houses that are built behind big houses, I asked BatGirl what that means. With her usual too much/too little initial shot of information, she mentioned that I can get away with wearing my fighting garb, washed first, but Wife would need a dress.

Turns out, even the peasants could spruce it up a little bit and even though Wife was more interested in being a nun than royalty, her choice of the pious garb was more for the ease of the dress-making for husband and was eventually eschewed in favour of something less likely to sizzle when coming into contact with her skin.

Cutting, basting, pinning, finishing, and facing took all day Friday and most of Saturday. While I constantly pestered her about how to correct my numerous and somewhat horrific mistakes and my children ran about her house like howler monkeys on acid, BatGirl took it all in stride and clothed-up her entire clan too. She was an absolute dream and, once it’s finished, I’ll show you all the webbin’ site that I made ‘er.

Wife looked superbly and awesomely hot and, not to be outdone with two days of bitchery stitchery, I even tried to make a pie for the Baking Competition at the Feast. Regardless of the fact that we got everybody bathed and dressed and ready to go by the time the dinger dinged on the oven, eggs actually ARE imperative in baking that kind of pie. I honestly thought I’d get away with that one. I blame my “Y” chromosome.

Though I thoroughly enjoyed the week, I’m not afraid for my rights to own a penis or anything. I’m still manly. Hell, I’m the NEW type of man, who’s so manly that he doesn’t even need a WOMAN for so-called woman’s work.

How fuckin’ tough am I now?

Hah? Want those brakes done? No worries.

Want some French Fuckin’ Toast?!? Easy.

New Fridge?!? Stand back woman! I’m BUILDING a new fuckin’ fridge!!!

Bread? From the Store?!? I’m MAKIN’ some fuckin’ bread!!! AND a fuckin’ Store!!

Camisole on fuckin’ eBay??? I’ll CARVE you a fuckin’ camisole!!! With my fuckin’ buttcheeks!! Finished off with a fuckin’ Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick to the face!!

Soothe the baby to sleep?!? One order of Roundhouse Kicks to the Face comin’ UP!! You wanted her to sleep until fuckin’ Thursday right?!?

New Prime Minister?!? I’ll WELD one out of the steel shavings the battleaxe leaves on the floor when I shave!!! Hell, after I’ve eaten another fuckin’ Knight for breakfast I’ll run a magnet over the crapper and WELD a new goddam President from that!! All hail President KnightShit!!

Yeah.

Gotta run, I promised Wife I’d help her sort and fold baby clothes.

Ah Christ. I just thought about that one. I don’t suppose it helps that I’m going to my first Flyfishing Club meeting tonight?

See? I’m still a Man’s man. That “Man” just happens to be pretty damn tough… and he likes ‘em creative and thenthitive n’ shit. And when I wear green cos it brings out my eyes.