I open my heart… and my ass.

May 26, 2004
Filed under:"H" for "Toy"

Being in love makes you a pussy

I was talking to my buddy/co-worker and he's telling me that, at 30, he may never settle down, have kids, all that shit. He tells me that he keeps hearing that living a life with all of the joys of triumph and the accompanying despair of defeat is better than having not having experienced any of that at all. What's that bumper-sticker? “I'd rather have loved and lost, than never loved at all” or some shit.

He claims to have been through enough highs and lows and now wants nothing but complete neutrality. No Chocolate-Peanut-Butter swirl ice cream, no bubblegum and peppermint, just Vanilla.

I remember a time when I thought just Vanilla was what I wanted. The Girl had fallen in love with me, and I with her. Then she pulled my still-beating heart out of my chest and ran it over with a fucking road-paver, backed up, and did it again. Vanilla for me, from now on, thanks.

Even when we got back together this time (a few years after the road-paver), I was wary and justifiably so.

She'd say, “Oh, I'm in love with you!” and I'd think, “Too bad you're a cheating, lying cunt,” but would say, “Yeah, you're not so bad yourself… now let's have sex.” I didn't trust her and didn't want to.

This went on for a while. Then, one day, I realized that I could have some great, anonymous, monkey sex with the hottest girl I knew at the time and no one ever know.

And I couldn't do it.

I was too drunk.

I'm kidding. I couldn't do it because I was in LOVE, you sick fucks.

Love does strange things to a guy. I'm sure with chicks its all drawing-hearts-and-flowers-on-your-note-book and making up pet names like “Schmoopums” and “Wiggleworm”, but for a guy, it's mostly trying NOT to make up pet names like “Unholy Succubus from the shit-lined depths of Hades” or “Satan”, and it sucks. Somehow it takes away all the shit that we thought we ever wanted to do and makes us not feel bad about it. I no longer wanted to fuck hot, married women. I didn't want to play hockey 4 nights a week and close the bar after each and every game. Hell, I didn't even want to stay home and drink myself into a lonesome stupor while futilely attempting to masturbate to nasty internet porn.

I wanted to be with her. I didn't WANT to be with her so much as things seemed better if she was around.

I got back into my art. Not the tortured abstracts that I'd done where I'd smear the charcoal with my own tears (it would've been very symbolic if I'd done it on purpose) while drawing my wounded soul, but portraits and landscapes where I tried to capture the light just right and they were pretty.

I got into the Suzy-homemaker role and enjoyed making dinner, sewing her clothes, and doing her laundry.

I turned into a fucking girl.

I'm happy though.

I realize now that my depressed state last Saturday was because I missed her.

Damn, did that shit suck.

I hate being lonely.

I'm such a pussy.

Surveys are only fun if you're a smartass

I was reading a diary from my favorites list, and she promised we'd get naked if I filled this out. She didn't specify where. Where we'd get naked or where I fill this out. It's too long to tattoo on my ass (just barely) so I thought I'd post it here.

I'm also painfully aware that not a single fucking person reading this could give two shits about what foods I like or if I like a tongue in my ass… wait, that last one wasn't on here was it? Nevermind that then.

Favorite Chinese menu item/meal?
Cream of Fuk Yoo Too

Is there a food that you HATED when you were young but LOVE now?
Pussy.

Speaking of when you were young - What did you wish your parents named you instead, when you were a kid?
“Asshole”, it would've been easier to explain to people that they called me that because it was my name.

Did you ever shop-lift? If so, how old were you and what did you take?
Yep. 8, they wouldn't sell my then 14-year old brother rubbers, so he shoved 'em down my pants. To this day, I've always hated rubbers. That must why.

First crush ever? Did they crush you back? Have you ever met anyone as great as them since?
Heather, in kindergarten.
No, she sneezed so hard she blew a string of snot across her desk. Then she scooped it up with her hand and walked to the bathroom with it still trailing up to her nose. I loved her.
Yeah, the Girl is great, and she hardly ever blows snot across things.

When you play checkers, do you like to be the black or red pieces?
I like to play Chubby for his music and leave race out of it.

How do you like your P.B&J sanwiches made?
Slowly, in a skirt and cowboy boots.

Did you have a lunchbox? Who or what was on it?
Yes, my brother until I promised him my cupcake. Fucker.

Did you have an iron-on T-shirt? Who or what was on it?
Yes, one. It was white and had an exact, full-size, copy of a T-Shirt ironed on it, only in blue.

Who's the coolest person in your family? What's their name and what makes the THE coolest?
My older brother.
Because, when people ask him his name, he says, “Bond… Dave Bond.” and can pull it off without a girl spitting beer (or snot) all over him. Anyone that can do that is the coolest fucker ever.

List three things you want to do or learn how to do before you die.
Learn how to not die.
Not Die.
Eat Mexican and not get all gassy (BOY, am I gassy… Uffda)

Just overheard from the next cube: “I think the word, Acronym, is an acronym for something, but I can't remember what.”